Shaik’s last, rat­tle and roll down in Dur­ban

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - LIFE -

THE ANC has con­firmed that it was ter­mi­nally ill fraud­ster Sch­abir Shaik who was seen driv­ing through Dur­ban this week, say­ing the out­ing was or­gan­ised by Reach For A Dream.

“Com­rade Sch­abir has only years to live,” said a spokesman, “and he wanted to see his beloved Dur­ban one last time. And buy some bal­loons. And a pie and a Coke.”

The for­mer fi­nan­cial ad­viser of Pres­i­dent Ja­cob Zuma was sen­tenced to 15 years in prison for fraud, but was re­leased on med­i­cal pa­role af­ter serv­ing two years in a pri­vate clinic af­ter doc­tors di­ag­nosed him with a fa­tal con­di­tion known as “life”, an ail­ment with a 100 per­cent mor­tal­ity rate.

At the time of his release var­i­ous doc­tors, many of them with ac­tual qual­i­fi­ca­tions earned at gen­uine train­ing colleges, panel-beat­ers and ANC re-ed­u­ca­tion cen­tres, ex­plained that Shaik was in the fi­nal stage of “life”, with only decades left to live, and urged that he be re­leased from prison to spend his re­main­ing 40 or 50 years with his fam­ily at home.

How­ever, an al­leged sight­ing of Shaik driv­ing his lux­ury BMW through Dur­ban this week has again raised ques­tions about his con­di­tion.

Ac­cord­ing to the DA MP who spot­ted and filmed the al­leged out­ing, the sight­ing was “manna from white whinger heaven, as if God him­self had reached down from the club­house of the ce­les­tial golf es­tate” and re­vealed Shaik to her.

This morn­ing, Shaik hit back, de­scrib­ing the al­leged video as “a to­tal fabri­ca­tion”, a state­ment that many are tak­ing se­ri­ously as Shaik is con­sid­ered a world-class au­thor­ity on to­tal fab­ri­ca­tions.

How­ever, the ANC has stepped in to calm the sit­u­a­tion, say­ing that Shaik’s out­ing was or­gan­ised by Reach For A Dream.

Ac­cord­ing to spokesman Kick­bax Mx­enge, the “ANC looks af­ter its own”.

“We thought we would do some­thing nice for Com­rade Sch­abir,” he ex­plained. “We asked him to make a list of ev­ery­thing he still wanted to ex­pe­ri­ence in life and one fi­nal tour of Dur­ban was fourth on the list.”

He said the first three choices had in­cluded be­ing given back all his money, be­ing ap­pointed deputy pres­i­dent, and set­ting fire to every­one who had been un­kind to him, but Mx­enge said that th­ese had been “im­prac­ti­cal for now”.

“Which is not to say that Com­rade Sch­abir can’t end up as deputy pres­i­dent,” he added. “With this gov­ern­ment any­thing is pos­si­ble.” THE WORLD Health Or­gan­i­sa­tion has warned of an im­pend­ing catas­tro­phe in South Africa as a pop­u­la­tion al­ready weak­ened by Aids is con­fronted by two of the most vir­u­lent viruses ever to ar­rive on the con­ti­nent: singers Chris de Burgh and Bos­son. “It’s the per­fect storm,” said a spokesman. “If Lady In Red doesn’t kill you, One in a Mil­lion will.”

Of­fi­cials at the WHO and the US Cen­tres for Dis­ease Con­trol have been mon­i­tor­ing De Burgh and Bos­son for years, fear­ing they might mu­tate into more vir­u­lent strains.

“Sep­a­rately De Burgh and Bos­son are bad enough,” ex­plained lo­cal Health Min­istry spokesman Dr Strangelove Vi­lakazi, say­ing ex­po­sure to ei­ther caused death within 12 to 24 hours. “The hu­man im­mune sys­tem is sim­ply not de­signed to cope with that in­ten­sity of whiny, wist­ful Euro­vi­sion dreck.”

Th­ese ar­ti­cles were first pub­lished on the satir­i­cal web­site Hay­ibo.com

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