Shaik’s last, rattle and roll down in Durban
THE ANC has confirmed that it was terminally ill fraudster Schabir Shaik who was seen driving through Durban this week, saying the outing was organised by Reach For A Dream.
“Comrade Schabir has only years to live,” said a spokesman, “and he wanted to see his beloved Durban one last time. And buy some balloons. And a pie and a Coke.”
The former financial adviser of President Jacob Zuma was sentenced to 15 years in prison for fraud, but was released on medical parole after serving two years in a private clinic after doctors diagnosed him with a fatal condition known as “life”, an ailment with a 100 percent mortality rate.
At the time of his release various doctors, many of them with actual qualifications earned at genuine training colleges, panel-beaters and ANC re-education centres, explained that Shaik was in the final stage of “life”, with only decades left to live, and urged that he be released from prison to spend his remaining 40 or 50 years with his family at home.
However, an alleged sighting of Shaik driving his luxury BMW through Durban this week has again raised questions about his condition.
According to the DA MP who spotted and filmed the alleged outing, the sighting was “manna from white whinger heaven, as if God himself had reached down from the clubhouse of the celestial golf estate” and revealed Shaik to her.
This morning, Shaik hit back, describing the alleged video as “a total fabrication”, a statement that many are taking seriously as Shaik is considered a world-class authority on total fabrications.
However, the ANC has stepped in to calm the situation, saying that Shaik’s outing was organised by Reach For A Dream.
According to spokesman Kickbax Mxenge, the “ANC looks after its own”.
“We thought we would do something nice for Comrade Schabir,” he explained. “We asked him to make a list of everything he still wanted to experience in life and one final tour of Durban was fourth on the list.”
He said the first three choices had included being given back all his money, being appointed deputy president, and setting fire to everyone who had been unkind to him, but Mxenge said that these had been “impractical for now”.
“Which is not to say that Comrade Schabir can’t end up as deputy president,” he added. “With this government anything is possible.” THE WORLD Health Organisation has warned of an impending catastrophe in South Africa as a population already weakened by Aids is confronted by two of the most virulent viruses ever to arrive on the continent: singers Chris de Burgh and Bosson. “It’s the perfect storm,” said a spokesman. “If Lady In Red doesn’t kill you, One in a Million will.”
Officials at the WHO and the US Centres for Disease Control have been monitoring De Burgh and Bosson for years, fearing they might mutate into more virulent strains.
“Separately De Burgh and Bosson are bad enough,” explained local Health Ministry spokesman Dr Strangelove Vilakazi, saying exposure to either caused death within 12 to 24 hours. “The human immune system is simply not designed to cope with that intensity of whiny, wistful Eurovision dreck.”
These articles were first published on the satirical website Hayibo.com