Kicking off the 2009/2010 English Premiership with a handy A-to-Z guide
TOO soon, too soon you cry. The English Premiership is back this weekend. As usual the shamefully brief off-season has been a toxic whirl of transfers, ructions and rantings. To clear it all up for you here is a cut-out-and-keep, alphabetical guide to the new season.
is for Andre Arshavin activating Arsene’s Arsenal to an almighty alliterative achievement. Runners-up.
is for Birmingham, Burnley, Bolton, Blackbur n and
ABBenni – relegation candidates all.
is for Chelsea and for Carlo Ancelotti, the ideal man to continue the Hiddink resurrection provided he can keep the squad on the straight and narrow. Champions.
is for diving Didier Drogba and Rory Delap, Stoke City’s howitzer-long throw merchant.
is for Everton where the Toffees will be stuck in the middle again in spite of Steven Pienaar’s efforts.
CDEis for Ferguson, the grumpy Sir Alex of Spittle and Whinge. Surprisingly quiet in the market. Who is he kidding by buying Michael Owen? He’ll be limping by September? Third place.
is Giggs and Ginger. A season too far for the hairychested one and his mate Scholes.
is for Hull City who will dodge the relegation bullet again.
is for “I”, one of only two English words Ronaldo knows,
FGHIthe other is “me”. Bye-bye.
is for the JJB Stadium, home of Wigan who have lost their manager and their best players. Going down.
is for Kagisho Dikgacoi, South Africa’s latest export to the mid-table sheltered workshop called Fulham. Have fun as the commentators try to pronounce his name.
is for Liverpool and a lost cause. One injury to Torres and it’s fourth place at best. is for Middle Eastlands, Man City’s home ground. Mark
JKLMHughes doesn’t have the pedigree to command his potentially mutinous ship of mercenaries and will be gone by Christmas.
is for Newcastle whose emotional comedy show will be sorely missed.
is for offside which is what every goal-scorer will be according to the defenders.
is for Portsmouth where “The Axe” Mokoena now resides. Fratton Park will be Vrot-ton Park this year.
is for qualifiers for the
NOPQChampions League who boringly will be the usual suspects.
is for referees who will be blamed for everything.
is for Sunderland. Does anyone care?
is for Tottenham where Harry “Nice Bit of Business” Redknapp continues to wheel and deal to no apparent purpose.
is for Upton Park where Gianfranco Zola’s West Ham look tidy. Zola to replace Benitez at Anfield sometime soon?
RSTUis for Villa who sadly have peaked after losing their best defender and prime midfielder.
is for promoted Wolves. Hello and goodbye.
is the rating for every Michael Ballack challenge.
is for the yellow of Spurs’ vomitous new third strip. Pray it never appears on television.
is for Bobby Zamora, Fulham’s wayward striker who the home fans serenade with the chorus “If the ball hits your head and you’re sitting in Row Z that’s Zamora”.