Kick­ing off the 2009/2010 English Premier­ship with a handy A-to-Z guide

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - SPORT -

TOO soon, too soon you cry. The English Premier­ship is back this week­end. As usual the shame­fully brief off-sea­son has been a toxic whirl of trans­fers, ruc­tions and rant­ings. To clear it all up for you here is a cut-out-and-keep, al­pha­bet­i­cal guide to the new sea­son.

is for An­dre Ar­shavin ac­ti­vat­ing Arsene’s Arse­nal to an almighty al­lit­er­a­tive achieve­ment. Run­ners-up.

is for Birm­ing­ham, Burn­ley, Bolton, Black­bur n and

ABBenni – rel­e­ga­tion candidates all.

is for Chelsea and for Carlo Ancelotti, the ideal man to con­tinue the Hid­dink res­ur­rec­tion pro­vided he can keep the squad on the straight and nar­row. Cham­pi­ons.

is for div­ing Di­dier Drogba and Rory De­lap, Stoke City’s how­itzer-long throw mer­chant.

is for Ever­ton where the Toffees will be stuck in the mid­dle again in spite of Steven Pien­aar’s ef­forts.

CDEis for Fer­gu­son, the grumpy Sir Alex of Spit­tle and Whinge. Sur­pris­ingly quiet in the mar­ket. Who is he kid­ding by buy­ing Michael Owen? He’ll be limp­ing by Septem­ber? Third place.

is Giggs and Gin­ger. A sea­son too far for the hairychested one and his mate Sc­holes.

is for Hull City who will dodge the rel­e­ga­tion bul­let again.

is for “I”, one of only two English words Ron­aldo knows,

FGHIthe other is “me”. Bye-bye.

is for the JJB Sta­dium, home of Wi­gan who have lost their man­ager and their best play­ers. Go­ing down.

is for Kag­isho Dik­ga­coi, South Africa’s lat­est ex­port to the mid-ta­ble shel­tered work­shop called Ful­ham. Have fun as the com­men­ta­tors try to pro­nounce his name.

is for Liver­pool and a lost cause. One in­jury to Tor­res and it’s fourth place at best. is for Mid­dle East­lands, Man City’s home ground. Mark

JKLMHughes doesn’t have the pedi­gree to com­mand his po­ten­tially muti­nous ship of mer­ce­nar­ies and will be gone by Christ­mas.

is for New­cas­tle whose emo­tional com­edy show will be sorely missed.

is for off­side which is what ev­ery goal-scorer will be ac­cord­ing to the de­fend­ers.

is for Portsmouth where “The Axe” Mokoena now re­sides. Frat­ton Park will be Vrot-ton Park this year.

is for qual­i­fiers for the

NOPQCham­pi­ons League who bor­ingly will be the usual sus­pects.

is for ref­er­ees who will be blamed for ev­ery­thing.

is for Sun­der­land. Does any­one care?

is for Tot­ten­ham where Harry “Nice Bit of Busi­ness” Red­knapp con­tin­ues to wheel and deal to no ap­par­ent pur­pose.

is for Up­ton Park where Gian­franco Zola’s West Ham look tidy. Zola to re­place Ben­itez at An­field some­time soon?

RSTUis for Villa who sadly have peaked af­ter los­ing their best de­fender and prime mid­fielder.

is for pro­moted Wolves. Hello and good­bye.

is the rat­ing for ev­ery Michael Bal­lack chal­lenge.

is for the yel­low of Spurs’ vom­i­tous new third strip. Pray it never ap­pears on tele­vi­sion.

is for Bobby Zamora, Ful­ham’s way­ward striker who the home fans ser­e­nade with the cho­rus “If the ball hits your head and you’re sit­ting in Row Z that’s Zamora”.

VWXYZ

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