District 9 exposes ugliness of Joburg
SOUTH Africans say that District 9 has taught them that xenophobia is bad. The sci-fi blockbuster has helped them to understand that setting foreigners on fire upsets them. “You only really understand something when you see it translated through the medium of high-budget special effects,” explained one former xenophobe.
District 9 has stunned international audiences, many of whom had no idea that Johannesburg was so ugly, and it has been praised for confronting current South African realities like xenophobia, racism, high-explosive weaponry, and the fact that Gauteng is literally the worst place in the universe to get stranded.
Local audiences say that the film has been more than Hollywood entertainment, and have credited it with teaching them that murderous xenophobia is “wrong”.
District 9’ s subtle metaphors and existential questions hit home for many in the audience. They reported seeing the humanity in otherwise “degenerate, crustacean-like auslanders”
“We saw those prawns and someone said, ‘Hey, it looks like that Rwandan guy from the corner shop!’” said one viewer.
“We all laughed because it was true. And then we realised, hey, that Rwandan guy didn’t ask to be born a prawn. “And we got really sad.” Audiences said that the film would make them treat foreigners with “a lot more respect”.
“Except if they try to muscle in on our movie industry,” said one. “If they try to do that we’ll probably set them on fire.” WHITE South Africans have offered to sign a blanket confession, accepting blame for all current and future setbacks in the country, from nondelivery by the ANC to European athletics officials doing gender tests, in the interests of more efficient government and to save precious time and tax money being wasted on paranoid racist witch-hunts.
The decision follows the latest statements by government, implying that white South Africans were racist for not going to OR Tambo International Airport to cheer returning athletes.
According to a spokesman for white South Africans, it was time for whites to “cut to the chase” and to accept blame for everything, ever, from now until the end of time, in the interests of efficient government.
“Service delivery is being derailed because senior ministers are being forced to spend so much time trying to find new ways of pinning their failures on whites,” explained spokesman Whitey Cracker-Blanco.
He said that a recent study had revealed that blaming whites was the second largest consumer of ministers’ time, after rolling around in the Treasury vault and giving each other high fives. Service delivery was 14th on the list, just behind hot rock treatments and being measured for illfitting suits.
“Whites are desperate to contribute to this society,” explained Cracker-Blanco, “but they find themselves demonised by their government at almost every turn.
“Which is why accepting all blame for everything ever is a really great compromise: we speed up service delivery by minimising fingerpointing, and we don’t confuse or upset the government because God forbid anyone in government should ever have to think.”