District 9 ex­poses ug­li­ness of Joburg

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - LIFE -

SOUTH Africans say that District 9 has taught them that xeno­pho­bia is bad. The sci-fi block­buster has helped them to un­der­stand that set­ting for­eign­ers on fire up­sets them. “You only re­ally un­der­stand some­thing when you see it trans­lated through the medium of high-bud­get spe­cial ef­fects,” ex­plained one for­mer xeno­phobe.

District 9 has stunned in­ter­na­tional audiences, many of whom had no idea that Jo­han­nes­burg was so ugly, and it has been praised for con­fronting cur­rent South African re­al­i­ties like xeno­pho­bia, racism, high-ex­plo­sive weaponry, and the fact that Gaut­eng is lit­er­ally the worst place in the uni­verse to get stranded.

Lo­cal audiences say that the film has been more than Hol­ly­wood en­ter­tain­ment, and have cred­ited it with teach­ing them that mur­der­ous xeno­pho­bia is “wrong”.

District 9’ s sub­tle me­taphors and ex­is­ten­tial ques­tions hit home for many in the au­di­ence. They re­ported see­ing the hu­man­ity in oth­er­wise “de­gen­er­ate, crus­tacean-like aus­lan­ders”

“We saw those prawns and some­one said, ‘Hey, it looks like that Rwan­dan guy from the cor­ner shop!’” said one viewer.

“We all laughed be­cause it was true. And then we re­alised, hey, that Rwan­dan guy didn’t ask to be born a prawn. “And we got re­ally sad.” Audiences said that the film would make them treat for­eign­ers with “a lot more re­spect”.

“Ex­cept if they try to mus­cle in on our movie in­dus­try,” said one. “If they try to do that we’ll prob­a­bly set them on fire.” WHITE South Africans have of­fered to sign a blan­ket con­fes­sion, ac­cept­ing blame for all cur­rent and fu­ture set­backs in the coun­try, from non­de­liv­ery by the ANC to Euro­pean ath­let­ics of­fi­cials do­ing gen­der tests, in the in­ter­ests of more ef­fi­cient gov­ern­ment and to save pre­cious time and tax money be­ing wasted on para­noid racist witch-hunts.

The de­ci­sion fol­lows the lat­est state­ments by gov­ern­ment, im­ply­ing that white South Africans were racist for not go­ing to OR Tambo In­ter­na­tional Air­port to cheer re­turn­ing ath­letes.

Ac­cord­ing to a spokesman for white South Africans, it was time for whites to “cut to the chase” and to ac­cept blame for ev­ery­thing, ever, from now un­til the end of time, in the in­ter­ests of ef­fi­cient gov­ern­ment.

“Ser­vice de­liv­ery is be­ing de­railed be­cause se­nior min­is­ters are be­ing forced to spend so much time try­ing to find new ways of pin­ning their fail­ures on whites,” ex­plained spokesman Whitey Cracker-Blanco.

He said that a re­cent study had re­vealed that blam­ing whites was the sec­ond largest con­sumer of min­is­ters’ time, af­ter rolling around in the Trea­sury vault and giv­ing each other high fives. Ser­vice de­liv­ery was 14th on the list, just be­hind hot rock treat­ments and be­ing mea­sured for ill­fit­ting suits.

“Whites are des­per­ate to con­trib­ute to this so­ci­ety,” ex­plained Cracker-Blanco, “but they find them­selves de­monised by their gov­ern­ment at al­most ev­ery turn.

“Which is why ac­cept­ing all blame for ev­ery­thing ever is a re­ally great com­pro­mise: we speed up ser­vice de­liv­ery by min­imis­ing fin­ger­point­ing, and we don’t con­fuse or up­set the gov­ern­ment be­cause God for­bid any­one in gov­ern­ment should ever have to think.”

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