Judges at last up to scratch on sen­tences

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - WORLD - Th­ese ar­ti­cles first ap­peared on the satir­i­cal web­site Hay­ibo.com

SOME se­nior judges have hit back af­ter crit­i­cism of a se­ries of re­cent, in­ex­pli­ca­ble sen­tences handed down in courts, say­ing that in or­der to save time and ef­fort, sen­tences are given us­ing a scratch card sys­tem.

The judges’ rev­e­la­tion comes just days af­ter a Dur­ban mo­torist was jailed for 18 months for jump­ing a red light while a man who took hostages at gun point es­caped jail.

“The scratch card sys­tem is the fairest way to mete out jus­tice,” said Pre­to­ria judge Rein­hold Dread.

“Tri­als are long and it’s hard to con­cen­trate for their du­ra­tion,” he said. “At least the scratch card sys­tem means every­one has an equal chance in front of the law.”

Dread said sev­eral op­tions had been in­ves­ti­gated be­fore set­tling on the scratch cards. “In the end we agreed that the crim­i­nal jus­tice sys­tem was a lot­tery any­way and we de­cided that us­ing scratch cards was there­fore ap­pro­pri­ate.”

Dread said that be­ing a judge wasn’t as easy as it was made to look on shows like Night Court and Idols.

“Those guys on Idols are pro­fes­sion­als,” he said. “They have years of train­ing.

“What they do is fun,” he added. “Get­ting to in­sult peo­ple all day and lis­ten to mu­sic. It’s much bet­ter than sit­ting in a stuffy court all day lis­ten­ing to some­body’s piti­ful ex­cuses.”

He said it was not sur­pris­ing that most peo­ple in the le­gal pro­fes­sion dreamed about end­ing up as a judge – ei­ther in the Con­sti­tu­tional Court or on Idols. JUST DAYS af­ter she apol­o­gised for auc­tion­ing off a meet­ing with Nel­son Man­dela, ac­tress Char­l­ize Theron has ad­mit­ted that she also tried to sell a cud­dle with Des­mond Tutu and a dry­hump with Julius Malema. Sources con­firmed that the high­est bid for Malema had been $1.30, from Malema him­self. Theron, who won an Os­car in

Phony for her por­trayal of Char­l­ize, a small-town SA girl whose large pout fooled audiences into be­liev­ing she could act, has de­nied she is run­ning a high-class es­cort ser­vice fea­tur­ing South African po­lit­i­cal icons.

Ac­cord­ing to her spokesman, Mandible Claw, Theron re­gret­ted try­ing to auc­tion the visit with Man­dela, in which bid­ders had been of­fered a chance to sit on his lap, have Madiba dust sprin­kled over them that would make them live for­ever, and have baby fawns eat from their hands while lit­tle birds flew around in the flower wreath on Man­dela’s head.

How­ever, when pushed he also con­ceded that there had been other abortive at­tempts to auc­tion off “the af­fec­tions and at­ten­tions of lead­ing South African pol­i­cy­mak­ers”.

“Yes, Arch­bishop Des­mond Tutu was on the bill,” said Claw. “We mar­keted that hook-up as ‘One On One Equals Tutu’. Char­l­ize came up with that her­self.”

He said the winning bid­der would have re­ceived a cud­dle from Tutu, which in­cluded the chance to give their im­mor­tal soul to Je­sus, or whichever de­ity the Angli­cans cur­rently sort-of wor­shipped.

He also con­firmed that bid­ders had had the op­por­tu­nity to score a dry-hump with Julius Malema.

“We called it ‘Sex­ual Lib­er­a­tion Be­fore Ed­u­ca­tion’,” ex­plained Claw. “The prize was a date with Julius to the Mel­rose Arch McDon­alds, fol­lowed by a brief dry-hump, af­ter which he would give the winning bid­der taxi money to go home.

“Un­less the win­ner en­joyed it and wanted to stay and make break­fast, as per Julius’s views on health sex.”

But, he said, there had only been one bid for the ‘Sex­ual Lib­er­a­tion’ prize, from Malema him­self.

“He said he was a bit skint this month, as he’d al­ready blown his salary, his sec­ond salary, his un­of­fi­cial sec­ond salary, his slush fund, his pa­tron­age money and his pro­tec­tion money on Johnny Walker Blue La­bel and dough­nuts, so the best he could man­age was $1.30.”

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from South Africa

© PressReader. All rights reserved.