Judges at last up to scratch on sentences
SOME senior judges have hit back after criticism of a series of recent, inexplicable sentences handed down in courts, saying that in order to save time and effort, sentences are given using a scratch card system.
The judges’ revelation comes just days after a Durban motorist was jailed for 18 months for jumping a red light while a man who took hostages at gun point escaped jail.
“The scratch card system is the fairest way to mete out justice,” said Pretoria judge Reinhold Dread.
“Trials are long and it’s hard to concentrate for their duration,” he said. “At least the scratch card system means everyone has an equal chance in front of the law.”
Dread said several options had been investigated before settling on the scratch cards. “In the end we agreed that the criminal justice system was a lottery anyway and we decided that using scratch cards was therefore appropriate.”
Dread said that being a judge wasn’t as easy as it was made to look on shows like Night Court and Idols.
“Those guys on Idols are professionals,” he said. “They have years of training.
“What they do is fun,” he added. “Getting to insult people all day and listen to music. It’s much better than sitting in a stuffy court all day listening to somebody’s pitiful excuses.”
He said it was not surprising that most people in the legal profession dreamed about ending up as a judge – either in the Constitutional Court or on Idols. JUST DAYS after she apologised for auctioning off a meeting with Nelson Mandela, actress Charlize Theron has admitted that she also tried to sell a cuddle with Desmond Tutu and a dryhump with Julius Malema. Sources confirmed that the highest bid for Malema had been $1.30, from Malema himself. Theron, who won an Oscar in
Phony for her portrayal of Charlize, a small-town SA girl whose large pout fooled audiences into believing she could act, has denied she is running a high-class escort service featuring South African political icons.
According to her spokesman, Mandible Claw, Theron regretted trying to auction the visit with Mandela, in which bidders had been offered a chance to sit on his lap, have Madiba dust sprinkled over them that would make them live forever, and have baby fawns eat from their hands while little birds flew around in the flower wreath on Mandela’s head.
However, when pushed he also conceded that there had been other abortive attempts to auction off “the affections and attentions of leading South African policymakers”.
“Yes, Archbishop Desmond Tutu was on the bill,” said Claw. “We marketed that hook-up as ‘One On One Equals Tutu’. Charlize came up with that herself.”
He said the winning bidder would have received a cuddle from Tutu, which included the chance to give their immortal soul to Jesus, or whichever deity the Anglicans currently sort-of worshipped.
He also confirmed that bidders had had the opportunity to score a dry-hump with Julius Malema.
“We called it ‘Sexual Liberation Before Education’,” explained Claw. “The prize was a date with Julius to the Melrose Arch McDonalds, followed by a brief dry-hump, after which he would give the winning bidder taxi money to go home.
“Unless the winner enjoyed it and wanted to stay and make breakfast, as per Julius’s views on health sex.”
But, he said, there had only been one bid for the ‘Sexual Liberation’ prize, from Malema himself.
“He said he was a bit skint this month, as he’d already blown his salary, his second salary, his unofficial second salary, his slush fund, his patronage money and his protection money on Johnny Walker Blue Label and doughnuts, so the best he could manage was $1.30.”