ANC spat lets Zille get away with jewels
THE ANC’s Max Ozinsky and Ebrahim Rasool have reportedly been recalled from their posts in Parliament over their ongoing public spat, which has left senior ANC leaders reminiscing about the good old days when toppling governments didn’t involve backstabbing and personal agendas.
Political analyst George SpeekasKorna said the pair were like the sons of a deceased millionaire fighting over the spoils of the estate. “They’ve been going at each other for years.
“To the extent that they failed to spot ugly stepmother Helen Zille slipping off with the jewels.”
On Tuesday the ANC finally took action when six of the party’s remaining 21 Western Cape members resigned in disgust at the mediafuelled duel.
“We knew we had to move swiftly and decisively,” said ANC spokesperson Maybe Ntshanga. “That’s why we started a rumour that we had recalled the pair.”
Asked if the ANC had actually recalled the duo, Ntshanga asked, “Who?”
“Oh wait, yes, I do recall,” he said. “Ozinsky and Rasool.”
But Ntshanga said if he was going to be asked to play memory games he would rather talk about ANC legends like Walter Sisulu and Albert Luthuli.
“We recall our great comrades from yesteryear,” he said, “with warmth in our heart and a complete lack of understanding at their selflessness and sacrifice.”
He said that while the old guard would always be remembered favourably it was not fair to compare today’s cadres with those of the past.
“Back then we were fighting for liberation from a cruel and unjust system. Now we fight each other in the corridors of power for a slice of wealth and influence.
“It’s like comparing guerrilla warfare with trench warfare,” he said. “There are different tactics and different soldiers, but neither is more honourable than the other.” The ANC has confirmed that Youth League president Julius Malema needs police “blue light” protection as he is in danger of being killed literally, figuratively and in the ANCYL sense. A spokesman said Malema was almost killed after being exposed to a multiple-choice question in a freak IQ test accident.
Taxpayers heard last weekend that they would be paying R300 000 per month for VIP protection for Malema.
According to ANCYL spokesman Tantrums Maponya, Malema had been rushed to hospital last week after “racist reactionaries” left an IQ test open on a table in his office.
“We can confirm that President Malema was exposed for 27 seconds to a multiple-choice question involving the relative speeds of two trains, one travelling east and the other west.”
Asked why it had taken Malema 27 seconds, Maponya said that Malema was a “cautious reader” and had needed to sound out the words to comprehend their “despicable content”.
But the attack by the lethal IQ test had been just the latest in a string of attempts on Malema’s life.
“Comrade Julius is constantly being targeted by assassins,” he explained. “Two weeks ago while he was redeploying a bag of Jelly Tots into his mouth one of them escaped and got lodged in a light plug socket.
“He attempted to retrieve the Tot by manoeuvring his tongue into the socket, much as one does with a girl who has stayed for breakfast and taxi money, and was only saved by the foresight of the ANCYL which had failed to pay the electricity bill and had been disconnected.”
He said Malema had also narrowly avoided assassination when he had tried to see how much petrol was in his Mercedes by shining his Zippo into the petrol tank.
“Fortunately he had run the car dry during a high-speed journey to the Aroma liquor store.”