I have no luck, it’s just not fair, I think the universe hates me
I’M BECOMING increasingly convinced that only bad things happen to me, or to put it differently, good things never happen to me. The world or “universe” is constantly conspiring against me.
Take, for example, the reason I still can’t swim – and no, it’s not because I’m black. At my former high school, there was always talking of building a swimming pool, which never materialised.
And suddenly, when I had passed and gone to university, it happened, and now the school has a beautiful Olympic-size pool. I was at that school for five years!
Take another example: when I’m in traffic, I’m always in the lane that moves slower. And when I change lanes to join the fast-moving lane, it starts moving slowly, and the one I just left moves faster. It happens all the time and without exception. It can’t possibly be that my crossing lanes has suddenly slowed down an entire lane; that would be illogical.
Then there’s work. In the financial sector, there used to be huge bonuses, lavish staff parties and expansive company benefits. Now that I work in the industry, the universe concocts this so-called “economic crisis”, just to deny me the good benefits which other people have enjoyed for so many years. So now there are no more staff or Christmas parties, almost no company perks, and certainly no bonuses.
If you are still not convinced about what I mean, let me give you yet another example. In the dawn of our truly wonderful democracy, the government decided to establish measures to transform the economy, and to create an economically equal society. So measures such as Employment Equity and Black Economic Empowerment (BEE) were established. Under these policies, people became ridiculously rich, or moved up the corporate ladder very fast.
Now the government is thinking of reconfiguring BEE policies, and there are even proposals to scrap it. Yes, because I’m now adequately qualified and skilled and can rightly benefit, we need to rethink it. Yet again, I don’t get the good stuff. So once again, I’ve arrived late at the party and missed the “gravy train”.
The universe has also shortchanged me with the weather. Cape Town is world-renowned for its fantastic climes. So great is the weather here, celebrities buy homes here and people abandon their home countries to move to Cape Town. It is virtually unheard of that Cape Town would have such significant and persistent rain in the middle of spring.
All winter long, while people were stuffing themselves with stews and puddings, I was labouring at the gym, creating a body for everyone to envy. I imagined that at the first sign of spring, I’d be lying on the beach in my board shorts, designer sun glasses and holding up an intensely intelligent novel. Admittedly, I wouldn’t be swimming since the universe refused me that privilege, but I’d show off my chiselled body. But no, the universe has decided yet again that I am not to be happy, and came up with “climate change”, apparently caused by “global warming”. Imagine having so much bad luck that entire weather patterns are changing just because of you.
Perhaps it’s time for a traditional ceremony. It’s time to heed my grandmother’s call to slaughter for the ancestors so that they may bestow upon me good fortune. Granny always insisted, and in my infinite wisdom, I rejected her calls. If Mandela slaughters for his ancestors – and look at his fortune – who am I not to?
Slaughtering anything on the balcony of my city apartment is going to prove quite the challenge, but I shall soldier on. I just need a second hand, and for Mrs Jacobs to mind her own business.
If it works, who knows, maybe I could get the ancestors to deal with my ill fortune in nosy neighbours.