Stupid masses are the best

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - LIFE -

GEN­ER­A­TIONS, Mi­ley Cyrus, the emer­gence of tabloid news­pa­pers and Nin­tendo Wii have all been cited as rea­sons for the con­tin­ued plum­met of in­tel­li­gence lev­els amongst young South Africans af­ter shock­ing ma­tric re­sults were an­nounced on Thurs­day.

The 2009 re­sults saw a drop in the ma­tric pass rate from 62.5 per­cent to 60.7 per­cent, a fig­ure which means South African school leavers are ranked marginally higher than pot plants and slightly be­low goldfish on in­tel­li­gence charts.

Mpumalanga re­sults were go­ing to be re­leased at a re­me­dial brief­ing yes­ter­day, but af­ter ne­go­ti­a­tions were re­leased with the rest of the coun­try’s re­sults.

A spokesman for the Mpumalanga ed­u­ca­tion depart­ment, Fail­safe Twala, said his depart­ment had wanted to avoid the cost of re­leas­ing all the re­sults for­mally.

“We were hop­ing some ea­ger learn­ers with ac­cess to pho­to­copy ma­chines would leak the re­sults in the same way they did with the exam pa­pers,” he said.

“But it seems we al­ready weeded out the only ea­ger learn­ers we had.”

The Young Com­mu­nist League con­grat­u­lated the matrics on their medi­ocre re­sults, say­ing a 40 per­cent fail­ure rate showed that the coun­try’s youth were com­mit­ted to pur­su­ing a bet­ter life – ei­ther in gov­ern­ment or as wait­ers at Chicken Licken.

Most of the coun­try re­acted with shock when the de­clin­ing pass rate was re­vealed, with only the league re­spond­ing pos­i­tively – a re­ac­tion po­lit­i­cal ex­perts said could be at­trib­uted to their de­light at find­ing a new sup­ply of semilit­er­ate po­ten­tial leaders to ful­fil their suc­ces­sion plans.

“Study­ing is not for every­one,” said league spokesman Lo­bot­omy Vi­likazi. “Ev­ery revo­lu­tion needs its masses, and masses are far more ef­fec­tive when un­e­d­u­cated and in­doc­tri­nated,” he said.

This ar­ti­cle first ap­peared on the satir­i­cal web­site Hay­ibo.com

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