Remember, 499 974 will be going home alive
committed to killing as few international visitors as possible.
“If we can keep it down to around one percent of the South African average, that is, 26 tourists, we’ll consider that a job well done,” said Mahlangu.
But, he said, visitors would have to accept that stab vests would “not be of optimum utility in an average hail of gunfire from an average assault rifle, or against the earnest advances of a Toyota Hi-Lux’s front fender”.
He asked both South Africans and foreign tourists to remain positive about the World Cup.
“The world is coming,” he said. “The important thing to remember is that of the 500 000 guests coming to our shores, 499 974 will be going home alive. Ultimately football will be the winner.” MAN, a new television series about Cape Town’s male dating scene, has been hailed by woman-hating poseurs who say that they finally have a show that speaks directly to them. Meanwhile the Russian mafia has thanked the SABC for funding the trafficking of women by having the launch party at a leading strip club.
The 13-part documentary promises to explore the minds of four handsome Cape Town singles.
This will take approximately four minutes.
The rest of the first episode and the series will then be devoted to such complex issues as why chicks are k*k hot, why sex feels k*k nice, why chicks who don’t want sex with you are lesbians, and how to fill the howling void of the modern thirtysomething man’s soul with a sleepwalking procession of anonymous sexual partners, each promising salvation and the mother-figure he hopes will dry off his tears and save him from the black pit of excruciating ordinariness that is the existence he desperately calls his life.
What is not yet known is why MAN is spelt in capital letters or why it has a backwards N.
According to most gender experts polled, the capital letters are a clear expression of small man syndrome and feelings of penile deficiency.
However, the only theory presented for the backward N is that the show’s creators left primary school before they finished lessons like “Making An N” and “Why Girls Are People Too”.
Asked why violently patriarchal South Africa needed yet another glossy celebration of male sexual conquest, MAN producer Merkin Smallcock said that “anyone who doesn’t like this show is probably a lesbian or a university graduate, and we all know the kind of horror they’ve inflicted on the world.”
Meanwhile, the Russian mafia in Cape Town has thanked the producers of MAN and the SABC for holding the show’s launch party at a high-profile strip club, thereby pouring tax rands into the skin trade.
“Women cost lot to buy,” explained spokesman Josef “The Butcher” Jerkov. “Gift from MAN team and SABC was a lovely way to start new year.”
When management at the strip club vehemently denied that they employed trafficked women, Mr Jerkov agreed. “Sure,” he said. “And your Adidas trainers were made by 40-year-old shoemaker in Munich called Uncle Klaus.”
This article originally appeared on the satirical website hayibo.com