Re­mem­ber, 499 974 will be go­ing home alive

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - LIFE -

com­mit­ted to killing as few in­ter­na­tional vis­i­tors as pos­si­ble.

“If we can keep it down to around one per­cent of the South African av­er­age, that is, 26 tourists, we’ll con­sider that a job well done,” said Mahlangu.

But, he said, vis­i­tors would have to ac­cept that stab vests would “not be of op­ti­mum util­ity in an av­er­age hail of gun­fire from an av­er­age as­sault ri­fle, or against the earnest ad­vances of a Toy­ota Hi-Lux’s front fender”.

He asked both South Africans and for­eign tourists to re­main pos­i­tive about the World Cup.

“The world is com­ing,” he said. “The im­por­tant thing to re­mem­ber is that of the 500 000 guests com­ing to our shores, 499 974 will be go­ing home alive. Ul­ti­mately foot­ball will be the win­ner.” MAN, a new tele­vi­sion se­ries about Cape Town’s male dat­ing scene, has been hailed by woman-hat­ing poseurs who say that they fi­nally have a show that speaks di­rectly to them. Mean­while the Rus­sian mafia has thanked the SABC for fund­ing the traf­fick­ing of women by hav­ing the launch party at a lead­ing strip club.

The 13-part doc­u­men­tary prom­ises to ex­plore the minds of four hand­some Cape Town sin­gles.

This will take ap­prox­i­mately four min­utes.

The rest of the first episode and the se­ries will then be de­voted to such com­plex is­sues as why chicks are k*k hot, why sex feels k*k nice, why chicks who don’t want sex with you are les­bians, and how to fill the howl­ing void of the mod­ern thir­tysome­thing man’s soul with a sleep­walk­ing pro­ces­sion of anony­mous sex­ual part­ners, each promis­ing sal­va­tion and the mother-fig­ure he hopes will dry off his tears and save him from the black pit of ex­cru­ci­at­ing or­di­nar­i­ness that is the ex­is­tence he des­per­ately calls his life.

What is not yet known is why MAN is spelt in cap­i­tal let­ters or why it has a back­wards N.

Ac­cord­ing to most gen­der ex­perts polled, the cap­i­tal let­ters are a clear ex­pres­sion of small man syn­drome and feel­ings of pe­nile de­fi­ciency.

How­ever, the only the­ory pre­sented for the back­ward N is that the show’s creators left pri­mary school be­fore they fin­ished lessons like “Mak­ing An N” and “Why Girls Are Peo­ple Too”.

Asked why vi­o­lently pa­tri­ar­chal South Africa needed yet an­other glossy cel­e­bra­tion of male sex­ual con­quest, MAN pro­ducer Merkin Small­cock said that “any­one who doesn’t like this show is prob­a­bly a les­bian or a uni­ver­sity grad­u­ate, and we all know the kind of hor­ror they’ve in­flicted on the world.”

Mean­while, the Rus­sian mafia in Cape Town has thanked the pro­duc­ers of MAN and the SABC for hold­ing the show’s launch party at a high-pro­file strip club, thereby pour­ing tax rands into the skin trade.

“Women cost lot to buy,” ex­plained spokesman Josef “The Butcher” Jerkov. “Gift from MAN team and SABC was a lovely way to start new year.”

When man­age­ment at the strip club ve­he­mently de­nied that they em­ployed traf­ficked women, Mr Jerkov agreed. “Sure,” he said. “And your Adi­das train­ers were made by 40-year-old shoe­maker in Mu­nich called Un­cle Klaus.”

This ar­ti­cle orig­i­nally ap­peared on the satir­i­cal web­site hay­ibo.com

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