French foul up after missing chicken meal on SAA
PARIS: The French football team’s flight back to Paris this week was marked by “several incidents of insubordination and a shocking lack of professionalism”, insiders on the coaching staff reported, adding: “That’s the last time we fly SAA economy.”
Coach Raymond Domenech, meanwhile, spent the flight sulking in the toilet after refusing to sit next to a passenger who he claimed had called his momma fat back in 1983.
France’s football team arrived back in Paris on an economy-class flight this morning after their firstround exit from the World Cup. Tempers were running high in Charles de Gaulle airport at a press conference to greet the players.
“They returned in disgrace,” said French Sports Minister Fifi Grande-Cheate. “ ‘Disgrace’ is what we haf nicknamed ze disgusting conditions of economy class on SAA.”
French captain Patrice Evra summed up the mood of the French team as “tired and disappointed”.
“To see a formerly worldclass outfit like SAA perform so poorly as ambassadors of their great nation is an abomination,” he said.
Eyewitnesses reported an outbreak of discontent among the team upon boarding, when the footballers were stripped of the large sacks of cocaine each had brought as “hand luggage”.
Further anger was induced by the announcement by air hostess Surly Nyanga that they would be showing only Jock of the Bushveld on the communal DVD screen rather than the “pornographie exotique” requested by players.
“Then upon ordering a glass of ’79 Beaujolais, I was told that ze only vin available was from a South African estate in ze Tassenberg mountains,” recounted striker Thierry Henry.
“I do not know where ze Tassenberg mountain range is, but judging by ze taste of ze vin it may be buried several miles beneath a sanitarywaste dump.”
Particular criticism from the French side was levelled at the treatment of midfielder Yoann Gourcuff.
Gourcuff was bundled out of the door of the plane mid-flight after elbowing Nyanga in the throat when she told him that they had run out of chicken meals.
SAA staff defended the decision to eject Gourcuff in a statement reading: “That blerrie chop had it coming.”
They also noted that Gourcuff had been tossed a parachute, which he failed to catch as he hurtled out of the emergency exit, adding: “That’s the first time in recorded history a French player hasn’t leapt at the chance to use his hands.”
Domenech refused to talk to the media, after a flight spent crying in the toilet after being seated next to a passenger who he claimed had “dissed his maman” in a bar in Montmartre 27 years ago.
“My mother is not as fat as your mother,” Domenech sobbed on his way to the exit. “Your mother is so fat that she could sit in ze goal and none of ze French team would be able to score.” BLOEMFONTEIN: The most spectacular entertainment extravaganza ever to be staged in South Africa this week won back the nation’s hearts after ardent football fans, humbled by Bafana Bafana’s early exit from the World Cup sideshow, collectively, and with some relief, flicked back to DStv’s channel 132 – the permanent home of 7de Laan, South Africa’s best-loved soap opera.
“A lot has been made of our hosting the World Cup,” said one long-time 7de viewer, Marlene Kromhout, speaking on behalf of the entire country last night. “But allow me please the freedom, amidst all this hype and slightly misguided patriotic chaos, to just remind people of this one unequivocal fact: feel it – it has been here all along!
“That is, we’ve long played host to a much richer, more culturally profound form of entertainment – a show that, in terms of presenting a more racially diverse and united South African front, succeeds at a much deeper level than does watching a bunch of men with Alice bands kick balls to each other.”
Kromhout, 64, added that a South African flag will stay attached to the rear passenger window of her 1987 Cortina, and her pair of mirror socks will stay in place until the end of the World Cup. But 7de Laan, a community-themed TV series that focuses on small-town, middle-class values, would forever remain a “more colourful and enduring fixture in her heart” than any singular, month-long sporting event.
“It’s logical,” she added. “This World Cup comes around once in a lifetime. It’s temporary. But Die Laan, that’s permanent, you know?
“It’s loyalty embodied – unlike this fickle sports business. In those instances where I just know, deep inside, that I cannot rely on a certain Mr Surprise Moriri to score the goal that will put us into the lead, I know that I can rely on ‘Oubaas’ to hit his cues every time, to deliver his lines perfectly, and to get the plot moving forward rather than backwards. Like a certain football I know.”
These articles originally appeared on the satirical website hayibo.com
TEMPERS RUNNING HIGH: The unhappy French team are ‘tired and disappointed’.
LOSING OUT: Disgruntled coach Raymond Domenech