French foul up af­ter missing chicken meal on SAA

Weekend Argus (Saturday Edition) - - LIFE -

PARIS: The French foot­ball team’s flight back to Paris this week was marked by “sev­eral in­ci­dents of in­sub­or­di­na­tion and a shock­ing lack of pro­fes­sion­al­ism”, in­sid­ers on the coach­ing staff re­ported, adding: “That’s the last time we fly SAA econ­omy.”

Coach Ray­mond Domenech, mean­while, spent the flight sulk­ing in the toi­let af­ter re­fus­ing to sit next to a pas­sen­ger who he claimed had called his momma fat back in 1983.

France’s foot­ball team ar­rived back in Paris on an econ­omy-class flight this morn­ing af­ter their firstround exit from the World Cup. Tem­pers were run­ning high in Charles de Gaulle air­port at a press con­fer­ence to greet the play­ers.

“They re­turned in dis­grace,” said French Sports Min­is­ter Fifi Grande-Cheate. “ ‘Dis­grace’ is what we haf nick­named ze disgusting con­di­tions of econ­omy class on SAA.”

French cap­tain Pa­trice Evra summed up the mood of the French team as “tired and dis­ap­pointed”.

“To see a for­merly world­class out­fit like SAA per­form so poorly as am­bas­sadors of their great nation is an abom­i­na­tion,” he said.

Eye­wit­nesses re­ported an out­break of dis­con­tent among the team upon board­ing, when the foot­ballers were stripped of the large sacks of co­caine each had brought as “hand lug­gage”.

Fur­ther anger was in­duced by the an­nounce­ment by air host­ess Surly Nyanga that they would be show­ing only Jock of the Bushveld on the com­mu­nal DVD screen rather than the “pornogra­phie ex­o­tique” re­quested by play­ers.

“Then upon or­der­ing a glass of ’79 Beau­jo­lais, I was told that ze only vin avail­able was from a South African es­tate in ze Tassen­berg moun­tains,” re­counted striker Thierry Henry.

“I do not know where ze Tassen­berg moun­tain range is, but judg­ing by ze taste of ze vin it may be buried sev­eral miles be­neath a san­i­tary­waste dump.”

Par­tic­u­lar crit­i­cism from the French side was lev­elled at the treat­ment of mid­fielder Yoann Gour­cuff.

Gour­cuff was bun­dled out of the door of the plane mid-flight af­ter el­bow­ing Nyanga in the throat when she told him that they had run out of chicken meals.

SAA staff de­fended the de­ci­sion to eject Gour­cuff in a state­ment read­ing: “That bler­rie chop had it com­ing.”

They also noted that Gour­cuff had been tossed a parachute, which he failed to catch as he hur­tled out of the emer­gency exit, adding: “That’s the first time in recorded his­tory a French player hasn’t leapt at the chance to use his hands.”

Domenech re­fused to talk to the me­dia, af­ter a flight spent cry­ing in the toi­let af­ter be­ing seated next to a pas­sen­ger who he claimed had “dissed his ma­man” in a bar in Mont­martre 27 years ago.

“My mother is not as fat as your mother,” Domenech sobbed on his way to the exit. “Your mother is so fat that she could sit in ze goal and none of ze French team would be able to score.” BLOEMFONTEIN: The most spec­tac­u­lar en­ter­tain­ment ex­trav­a­ganza ever to be staged in South Africa this week won back the nation’s hearts af­ter ar­dent foot­ball fans, hum­bled by Bafana Bafana’s early exit from the World Cup sideshow, col­lec­tively, and with some re­lief, flicked back to DStv’s chan­nel 132 – the per­ma­nent home of 7de Laan, South Africa’s best-loved soap opera.

“A lot has been made of our host­ing the World Cup,” said one long-time 7de viewer, Mar­lene Kromhout, speak­ing on be­half of the en­tire coun­try last night. “But al­low me please the free­dom, amidst all this hype and slightly mis­guided pa­tri­otic chaos, to just re­mind peo­ple of this one un­equiv­o­cal fact: feel it – it has been here all along!

“That is, we’ve long played host to a much richer, more cul­tur­ally pro­found form of en­ter­tain­ment – a show that, in terms of pre­sent­ing a more racially di­verse and united South African front, suc­ceeds at a much deeper level than does watch­ing a bunch of men with Alice bands kick balls to each other.”

Kromhout, 64, added that a South African flag will stay at­tached to the rear pas­sen­ger win­dow of her 1987 Cortina, and her pair of mir­ror socks will stay in place un­til the end of the World Cup. But 7de Laan, a com­mu­nity-themed TV se­ries that fo­cuses on small-town, mid­dle-class val­ues, would for­ever re­main a “more colour­ful and en­dur­ing fix­ture in her heart” than any sin­gu­lar, month-long sport­ing event.

“It’s log­i­cal,” she added. “This World Cup comes around once in a life­time. It’s tem­po­rary. But Die Laan, that’s per­ma­nent, you know?

“It’s loy­alty em­bod­ied – un­like this fickle sports busi­ness. In those in­stances where I just know, deep in­side, that I can­not rely on a cer­tain Mr Sur­prise Moriri to score the goal that will put us into the lead, I know that I can rely on ‘Oubaas’ to hit his cues ev­ery time, to de­liver his lines per­fectly, and to get the plot mov­ing for­ward rather than back­wards. Like a cer­tain foot­ball I know.”

These ar­ti­cles orig­i­nally ap­peared on the satir­i­cal web­site hay­ibo.com

TEM­PERS RUN­NING HIGH: The un­happy French team are ‘tired and dis­ap­pointed’.

LOS­ING OUT: Dis­grun­tled coach Ray­mond Domenech

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