Did Santa think creatively?
LONDON: Father Christmas has been and gone for another year. But what should he have left in the stockings of celebrities? Miley Cyrus – stage fright. Russell Brand – mirrors. Can’t he see how bad he looks? Alastair Cook, England cricket captain – more time in the nets. Ecuador’s ambassador to London – clothes pegs. His longterm resident, Julian Assange, must be as high as a kipper after 18 months. Prince George – teething gel. Hugh Grant – a part. Any part! Roy Hodgson, England football manager – Portuguese phrasebook for Brazil. “Sick as a parrot”? Enfermo como um papagaio. Nigella Lawson – a nice big hug from a kind man. Kate Moss – enough self-knowledge to retire while she’s still beautiful. David Moyes, Manchester United manager – a miracle. Jeremy Clarkson – a new pair of jeans. Please. David Beckham – Sir Alex Fer- guson’s autobiography. We all know how much Becks loves the old brute! Britain’s Queen Elizabeth – plastic replica of the Royal Yacht Britannia for her bath. Wills and Kate – a tandem complete with royal standard on handlebars. Justin Bieber – a belt to stop him showing off his pants. Lady Gaga – a onesie to cover up her usually semi-clad form. Richard Dawkins – nothing. It would be hypocritical of the arch-atheist to celebrate Christmas, after all. – Daily Mail
HIS IDOL: David Beckham loves Sir Alex.