ON THE COUCH

you judge yourself ? Your guilt and misery are clear and sincere and I feel sorry for you in this terrible predicament. Knowing full well what it is like to be hurt by somebody you adored, you quail at the thought of inflicting such pain on your partner.

But it should be obvious to you that the longer you go on deceiving him, the greater the harm you are doing – to everybody.

I often point out that it’s quite possible to love two very different men at the same time. This is because our feelings are rich and complex, and can alter as we change, month by month. A successful relationship shifts and changes, but too many people find themselves trapped within static sadness.

A young woman enchanted at the thought of “mothering” her needy new love can feel very different as the years pass and she is thrust into a role she never really wanted.

You have fallen out of love with your partner, but like him as much as ever, as well as feeling anguish at the thought of telling him that the relationship is over. That is how your situation reads to me – and that’s why your lover has been able to fill the void.

An easy piece of advice would be to get away and be alone to think this through. But you work, so that’s probably impossible.

I could also suggest you make an appointment with Relate or a private counsellor, to talk the issues through in front of a trained third party.

Neither of your men needs know about the appointment; it’s about clarifying your thoughts – and would do you good, although I must say I admire the clear way you set out your dilemma in your email.

Maybe you should try to act on both suggestions. Perhaps a weekend away with your best friend might be timely, followed by the counselling appointment.

My gut feeling says you desperately want to pursue a long-term relationship with your lover. Does he feel the same?

If he is ready to be with you in the way you imagine, and you think of him every night, then you have to tell your partner. No choice.

You cannot go on lying to him with every waking breath, nor stay with him out of pity.

It will do you no good to continue to think of yourself as a liar and a cheat.

No life can sustain such guilt, deceit and negativity.

Were you married with children you would have every reason to struggle on, but that’s not the case.

It’s time to be honest. – Daily Mail