You’re right to take a stand, ‘Rocket Man’

Weekend Argus (Sunday Edition) - - NEWS REVIEW -

im­por­tance of tak­ing a stand and stick­ing to his guns. While you were threat­en­ing to bomb Amer­ica, do you know what our pres­i­dent did this week? He took time off from rob­bing the na­tion to sign some kind of lame treaty pro­hibit­ing the use of nu­clear weapons. It’s easy when you have a ura­nium stock­pile that can fit into a match­box. We might as well sign a treaty pro­hibit­ing the use of ex­plod­ing sheep. It’s ut­terly mean­ing­less.

I hope you’re not go­ing to let Trump get away with his empty threat to “to­tally de­stroy” North Korea. In this game of one­up­man­ship you have to move fast. I sug­gest you threaten to blow up the en­tire north­ern hemi­sphere. And maybe the moon. It’s the only lan­guage he un­der­stands.

Trump’s hawk­ish hand­maiden at the UN, Nikki Ha­ley, said your weapons tests were “ex­haust­ing con­ven­tional diplo­macy”. You know what would be re­ally ex­haust­ing? Com­ing home ev­ery night to Nikki bloody Ha­ley and her glit­tery-eyed de­fence of a man with the in­tel­lect and physique of a pile of builder’s rub­ble. Do you have a wife to come home to af­ter a long day of stroking hard mis­siles and gasp­ing as they burst from their fe­cund bur­rows? Please don’t think I am judg­ing you. If you come home to a bed full of boys cov­ered in puppy fat and baby oil, that is your busi­ness.

Did you catch what­shis­face from Iran speak­ing at the UN? He was rab­bit­ing on about mod­er­a­tion and democ­racy or some such rub­bish. Sounded like ap­pease­ment to me. The man has plenty of en­riched bomb fod­der. He should act ac­cord­ingly. Put Tehran on your to-bomb list at once.

I hope you have enough in­ter­con­ti­nen­tal bal­lis­tic mis­siles, old boy. It would be frightfully em­bar­rass­ing to run out af­ter blow­ing up Guam and Alaska be­fore even get­ting around to rogue na­tions like New Zealand.

Our Pres­i­dent Zuma also spoke at the UN on Wed­nes­day. If the nuke idea doesn’t come to­gether, you could al­ways use him as your se­cret weapon. Un­leash him on the US. He’d bore them to death in no time at all. I didn’t watch his speech out of a need for self-preser­va­tion. Be­sides, some­one else would’ve writ­ten it all for him. The only orig­i­nal words that ever come out of his mouth are: “It wasn’t me”, “Take it on ap­peal” and “Where’s my cut?”

By the way, well done on ex­e­cut­ing that un­cle of yours. I never did like the look of him. What put you off ? Did you catch him smil­ing? Not ap­plaud­ing one of your spec­tac­u­lar pub­lic ap­pear­ances?

Per­haps you were sim­ply prun­ing the fam­ily. Weed­ing out the an­noy­ing ones. I know I’ve thought of it. You also had your half-brother whacked at Kuala Lumpur air­port a few months ago while he was try­ing to sneak off to Dis­ney­land in Tokyo.

I hear you used a liq­uid nerve agent. Nice work. Classy. It’s ob­vi­ous he had to be stopped. Al­low this sort of gal­li­vant­ing and the next thing you know your semi-sib­ling is get­ting the im­pe­rial hair­cut and you’re hang­ing by your heels, hav­ing your throat slit.

You’re a cre­ative man, Kim. I like that about you. For starters, you had your de­fence min­is­ter shot to death with anti-air­craft guns. It must’ve been a ma­jes­tic sight.

That’ll teach him to fall asleep in a meet­ing. You also oblit­er­ated one of your army of­fi­cers with a mor­tar round and used a flame thrower on your deputy pub­lic se­cu­rity min­is­ter. This is outof-the-box think­ing and I look for­ward to hear­ing about your next rev­o­lu­tion­ary idea for ex­e­cut­ing friends and fam­ily.

You know what would be re­ally awe­some? If you strapped some­one to the nose of your next mis­sile. Then again, you give one per­son a free over­seas flight with the prom­ise of a quick, pain­less death and others would quickly queue up for the chance.

If Trump fi­nally does go bat­shit crazy, you and your 25 mil­lion peo­ple could al­ways sneak across the de­mil­i­tarised zone one moon­less night and min­gle. No of­fence, but you all do look alike, don’t you? North. South. It makes no dif­fer­ence. You’re Kore­ans.

You’re al­most fam­ily. A lot of you are fam­ily. The Amer­i­cans would never be able to track ev­ery­one down. You might have to change your hair­style. And shed a bit of weight. Look, you’re never go­ing to be the next Den­nis Rod­man, but you are Rocket Man. You drink and smoke heav­ily and show a gen­uine pas­sion for ca­sual homi­cide. Hell, learn how to braai and you could al­most be South African.

When things qui­eten down, as they will af­ter an in­ter­con­ti­nen­tal nu­clear shindig, you should pop in for a visit. Our peo­ple could learn from your work ethic. It’s not for noth­ing that you are chair­man of the Work­ers’ Party. We have more shirk­ers and lurk­ers than work­ers, but we sure as hell know how to party. You might have to bring your own teenage vir­gins. We’re fresh out at the mo­ment.

Good luck, Lil’ Kim. I get the feel­ing you’re go­ing to need it.

I hope you’re not go­ing to let Trump get away with his empty threat

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from South Africa

© PressReader. All rights reserved.