Three small words

Re­la­tion­ships take con­cen­tra­tion, or­gan­i­sa­tion, ef­fort and skill, writes

Weekend Argus (Sunday Edition) - - IN THE CITY -

1. Why is say­ing “I love you” in a re­la­tion­ship such a big deal?

At the core of ev­ery hu­man be­ing, we all just want to be loved and ap­pre­ci­ated. So, let­ting some­one know you love them is one of the most pre­cious gifts you can give. The three words can be for some the most chal­leng­ing to say and yet also the most com­monly ap­pre­ci­ated to hear.

They’re sig­nif­i­cant be­cause when love emerges it means you have come to ap­pre­ci­ate the pos­i­tive and neg­a­tive, good and bad, happy and sad and ups and downs of a re­la­tion­ship.

2. What’s it mean to say I love you?

Many peo­ple hold back be­cause of a fear of re­jec­tion. So, th­ese words can re­ally in­di­cate true vul­ner­a­bil­ity and in­ti­macy be­tween you and your part­ner. Ev­ery time you tell them how much you care, you in­crease your self-worth. The phrase can also mean that you love and ap­pre­ci­ate your­self as well.

3. Why do we place so much im­por­tance on th­ese three words?

“I love you” is a phrase uni­ver­sally seen as im­por­tant and sig­nif­i­cant to any re­la­tion­ship, ro­man­tic or oth­er­wise. It’s a way to share your ap­pre­ci­a­tion for some­one and the truth of your heart. Love is our ul­ti­mate ob­jec­tive.

We may think we’re look­ing for some­thing else, some­thing ma­te­rial and fleet­ing, but even the pur­suit of tran­sient goals just leads us back to the truth of love. The pur­pose of all re­la­tion­ships is to dis­solve the bar­ri­ers that keep us from recog­nis­ing the love that al­ready is and ex­press­ing the love we ul­ti­mately are.

4. How else can we ex­press how we feel if not by say­ing I love you?

We can ex­press our love for our part­ner by help­ing them ful­fil what is most im­por­tant to them and what they value most. It shows that we lis­ten to them and un­der­stand what they de­sire and what is most mean­ing­ful to them. Tak­ing the time to find out what is im­por­tant to them, link­ing your val­ues to what they love and com­mu­ni­cat­ing their val­ues, can bring you both ful­fil­ment and ap­pre­ci­a­tion for each other. An­other way is by show­ing grat­i­tude.

Say “thank you”. There is no limit to how many times you can thank a per­son and the ef­fects can be pro­found.

Smile. A smile can be con­ta­gious if it comes from the heart and can tell a per­son more than what words can say.

Write down all the things you fear may oc­cur if you say “I love you” and then take each item you listed and ask how it will ben­e­fit you if it oc­curs.

Write down 25 ben­e­fits to the per­son hear­ing you say you love them and 25 draw­backs if you do not tell them. When you per­ceive more ben­e­fits to them of hear­ing the truth of your heart you will feel in­spired to tell them you love them.

5. Are there other ways of un­der­stand­ing how some­body feels with­out hear­ing them say “I love you” and how can we recog­nise them?

Love in­volves em­brac­ing who each of you is and what each of you brings to the re­la­tion­ship: two dis­tinct per­cep­tions and ways of think­ing and feel­ing about the world. When you love peo­ple for who they are, they turn into who you love. Love comes when you re­alise that the pur­pose of a re­la­tion­ship is not only ro­mance, joy, sup­port and so-called hap­pi­ness; it is also equally about learn­ing, chal­lenge, growth and per­sonal evo­lu­tion.

A ful­fill­ing re­la­tion­ship re­quires con­cen­tra­tion, or­gan­i­sa­tion, ef­fort, and skill. There’s se­ri­ous work in keep­ing and de­vel­op­ing any con­nec­tion with oth­ers, whether it’s per­sonal or pro­fes­sional. Any time you don’t put ac­tion and en­ergy into your re­la­tion­ships, they un­dergo en­tropy and de­cay.

6. What be­hav­iours will help us un­der­stand how we feel?

There are many but the top ones are: you feel you are ful­fill­ing what is truly most im­por­tant to your life while in­ter­act­ing and re­lat­ing to your part­ner.

You feel in­spired to share time and space with the part­ner you also feel love for. You em­brace both sides of your part­ner’s char­ac­ter and see how both serve your ul­ti­mate ob­jec­tives.

You feel your part­ner’s pres­ence re­gard­less of where and when they are in space and time. You feel grate­ful, lov­ing, en­thu­si­as­tic and in­spired feel­ings when you think or talk about them

7. How can we re­spond to hear­ing some­body say I love you and what does it tell the other per­son about how we are feel­ing about what they have just said?

If some­one is not ready to hear or say the words, they can re­act with fear and could de­tach them­selves emo­tion­ally. If you are ready, you will ex­pe­ri­ence joy and ful­fil­ment, and re­act with grat­i­tude and ap­pre­ci­a­tion, and say the words back.

See www.drde­mar­tini.com.

re­porter

Say­ing ‘I love you’ can be dif­fi­cult for some peo­ple who may fear re­jec­tion from the other per­son. Pic­ture Sup­plied

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