What do I get my “almost boyfriend” of a few months for his birthday?
ANSWER What you don’t want to do here is come on too strong. For starters, you don’t know if this thing is going to last, so you don’t really want to drop a lot of cash on a Mr Maybe. Secondly, courtship (yes, I used that antiquated term) is a complicated game. If he is not completely obsessed with you already (which in itself might be a bit too much for you), giving him something either too valuable or too sentimental could scare him off. The answer is humour and sharing. What you want to do is give him something that shows you’ve been listening to how – for example – he has always wanted to paraglide or sit in the front row of a stand-up comedy gig or name his penis. Now you can get him those themed jocks or push him off a mountain (or join him) or put yourself in a comedian’s firing line or whatever his thing is. Just keep it light, keep it fun and keep it about him.
I JUST FOUND MY BFF’S FIANCÉ ON TINDER. TO TELL OR NOT?
Probably the best rule to apply in a situation like this is to put yourself in her shoes. Not her white wedding shoes for that perfect wedding she is so
looking forward to, but her “potentially being cheated on by a dirtbag fiancé” shoes. If it was you, would you want to know? Yes? (And I would be seriously surprised if it is a “no”.) Then tell her. That said, do it subtly. Don’t go all “ehrmagherd” look at my phone while hanging out in a crowd. Screengrab
that sh*t, take her aside and give her the out she might need. “Er, so I thought you might want to see this. Not sure if you guys have some kind of open relationship going or if he happens to do some coding for Tinder and is doing some beta testing, but look what came up on my screen the other day.”
WHAT’S A FAIR AMOUNT OF TIME TO GO DOWN ON A GUY? SOMETIMES IT SEEMS TO TAKE MORE WILL POWER THAN A SWEATY CYCLING CLASS!
Blow jobs, like diamonds, are forever, a timeless gift… No, but seriously, there is no prescribed duration for fellating your fella. If giving head is as fun as taxes and as boring as Home Affairs, then you have a few options. OPTION 1: Get better. If your goal with the blow job (to be known henceforth as the BJ, milady) is for him to climax, then how good you make it will determine the period of time he’s in your mouth. So, whatever it is that you know he likes – tip tickling, shaft sucking, deep throat, ball play, ass play, whatevs – you control how quickly he climaxes. OPTION 2: Soixanteneuf (aka 69). This way he gets, you get and you’re both having fun. Although, some people struggle to concentrate on giving and receiving at the same time. OPTION 3: The main course. If fellatio is merely a part of foreplay and you have received some head of your own (or are about to), things are hot, hard and flustered and both of you are ready to go, then move onto banging. Chances are that by this stage he is so turned on, he doesn’t care what’s happening. Sometimes foreplay is long and slow, sometimes it’s short and fast. Read his body, just as he should be reading yours. As for the sweaty cycling class description – get him to take a shower. There’s no excuse for Lycra loins… Even in a drought.
DON’T GO OVERBOARD.