Ask Dr Louise .

Q I spoilt my daughter rotten when she was younger because she has a learning disability. I always thought, “Poor child.” Now she has two children of her own with different fathers.

We gave her countless opportunities to study and qualify in something but she let us down every time. It cost us R100 000. She has no work experience as she’s never in a job long enough. Every employer tells her she’s stupid as she can’t deal with figures or pressure.

My husband and I have five years to go until retirement and she’s not showing any interest in making life better for her daughters. She spends her days on Facebook and WhatsApp and we’re at our wits’ end. I’ve been diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which the doctor believes is from stress – and it doesn’t bother her at all.

She’s bipolar but refuses to take medication and her kids witness her outbursts. She does nothing in the house and all the rooms she and the kids live in are a mess. I don’t want my grandchildren to suffer.

My husband and I are very soft people and I know we weren’t strict enough. What can we do? Rose, email A You’re right – you’re reaping what you’ve sowed. There are three basic parenting guidelines: be strict when it comes to discipline but at the same time give kids a lot of love; be consistent with your discipline and don’t feel sorry for them; and if you want them to become responsible adults, don’t give them everything they want as they need to learn that some things must be earned.

You can salvage the present problem only with tough love. I suggest you apply to the children’s court to get custody of your grandchildren as their mother (a) can’t provide for them; (b) can’t raise them in a way that would see them developing into responsible adults; and (c) poses a possible danger to them as she suffers from a mental illness that results in angry outbursts but refuses to take her medication.

Once you have custody of the children, you need to tell your daughter she can no longer live in your home and needs to earn her own living. You’ll have to be very strong, but sticking to it is important if you want to give your grandchildren a better future. You might even have to get a legal order to get your daughter out of the house. You can give her time to find a job to help her get on her feet but don’t give her any money. She must understand that she has to take responsibility for herself.