LAUGH A LITTLE
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY
As a woman gets on a bus with her baby the driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen! Ugh!”
Fuming, the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down. She says to the man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
“Well, you should go back there and tell him that’s unacceptable!” the guy says. “Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
HE DID TRY
While having supper with his family a boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”
“That’s disgusting,” his dad replies. “Don’t talk about things like that at the dinner table.”
After dinner the father says, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup but it’s gone now.”
IT’S ALL ON THE HEAD
A cow lives on a farm with her four calves. The first one walks up to her mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?”
“Well honey,” the cow replies, “a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The second calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?”
“Because, honey,” the cow replies, “a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”
The third calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?”
The cow replies, “Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”
Then the fourth calf walks over and says, “Duh huh guh nuh!”
The cow looks up and says, “Shut up, Tree Branch.”
IN THE DRINK
A father is impressed when his three-year-old daughter offers to bring him a cup of tea while his wife is out shopping. When the mother arrives home her husband says, “Watch this!” The little girl serves her dad tea again. “Thanks dear,” he says before taking a sip. Then the mom says to him, “Did it occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A couple have four sons. They’re all tall and have red hair and light skin, except for the youngest son who’s short and has black hair and dark eyes.
Then the father falls ill and is lying on his deathbed. He turns to his wife and says, “Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?”
His wife replies, “My dear, I swear on everything that’s holy that he’s your son.” With that he passes away at peace. “Thank goodness he didn’t ask about the other three,” she mutters.
JUST TRYING TO HELP
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat mud three times a day in order to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
My dad died after an accident because he needed a blood transfusion and we didn’t know his blood type. As he died he kept telling us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
IN THE BALL PARK
“Since it’s your birthday,” a husband tells his wife, “remember that bright yellow Lamborghini you really wanted?” His wife can’t contain herself and starts to cry tears of joy.
“Well,” her husband says, “I got you a toothbrush in the same colour.”