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YOU (South Africa) - - YOU LEISURE -


A drunken guy ap­proaches a cute girl in a sin­gles bar. “Hi, babe,” he says, “How’s about a date?” “Don’t waste your time,” she says. “I never go out with per­fect strangers.”

“It seems we’re both in luck,” he says. “I’m far from per­fect.”


As a bag­piper, I play many gigs. One day I’m asked by a fu­neral di­rec­tor to play at a grave­side ser­vice for a home­less man. He had no fam­ily or friends, so the ser­vice is to be at a pau­per’s ceme­tery.

As I’m not fa­mil­iar with the area I get lost. I fi­nally ar­rive an hour late and the fu­neral guy has ev­i­dently left and the hearse is nowhere in sight.

It looks to me only the dig­gers and crew are left and they’re hav­ing lunch. I feel ter­ri­ble and apol­o­gise to the men for be­ing late. I go to the side of a hole that I as­sume is the grave and look down. They’ve al­ready started fill­ing it in with sand. I don’t know what else to do, so I start to play my bag­pipes.

The work­ers put down their lunches and gather around. I play my heart and soul out for this man who had no fam­ily and friends. I play like I’ve never played be­fore.

As I play Amaz­ing Grace the work­ers be­gin to weep, and so do I. When I fin­ish I pack up my bag­pipes and start for my car.

As I’m open­ing the door to my car I hear one worker say, “I’ve never seen any­thing like that be­fore, and I’ve been putting in sep­tic tanks for 20 years.”


A flock of sheep are romp­ing in a field, hap­pily go­ing “baa baa!” to each other and dis­cussing life as usual when sud­denly they hear a “moo moo!”

They look around and see only sheep so they carry on as be­fore, but the moo­ing con­tin­ues.

One sheep can hear it clearly next to him. He shuf­fles away a lit­tle from his friend, a wor­ried look on his face, then asks, “Ge­orgie, why are you moo­ing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go ‘baa’!”

“I know,” his friend says, “but I thought I’d learn a for­eign lan­guage.”


These no­tices were posted on church no­tice­boards:

The fee for at­tend­ing the Fast­ing & Prayer Con­fer­ence in­cludes meals.

Irv­ing Ben­son and Jessie Carter were mar­ried on 24 Oc­to­ber in the church. So ends a friend­ship that be­gan in their school­days.

Please place your do­na­tion in the en­ve­lope along with the de­ceased per­son you want re­mem­bered.

S The church will host an evening of fine din­ing, su­per en­ter­tain­ment and gra­cious hos­til­ity.

S The ladies of the church have cast-off cloth­ing of ev­ery kind. They may be seen in the base­ment on Fri­day af­ter­noon.

S This evening at 7pm there will be hymns sung in the park across from the church. Bring a blan­ket and come pre­pared to sin. S The as­so­ciate min­is­ter un­veiled the church’s new tithing cam­paign slo­gan last Sun­day: “I upped my pledge – up yours!”


A lawyer calls his boss at the le­gal firm in the early hours of the night. “I’m sorry to call you at this hour, sir,” he says. “Well it had bet­ter be some­thing im­por­tant,” his boss says grumpily.

“Well sir,” the lawyer says, “I just heard that your se­nior part­ner has died and I’d like to take his place.”

“I see,” his boss says. “Well, if it’s okay with the mor­tu­ary it’s okay with me.”


I hate wed­dings be­cause the el­derly come over and poke me and say, “You’re next.”

But they’ve stopped do­ing it since I started do­ing it to them at fu­ner­als.

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