LAUGH A LITTLE
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A drunken guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi, babe,” he says, “How’s about a date?” “Don’t waste your time,” she says. “I never go out with perfect strangers.”
“It seems we’re both in luck,” he says. “I’m far from perfect.”
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. One day I’m asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service is to be at a pauper’s cemetery.
As I’m not familiar with the area I get lost. I finally arrive an hour late and the funeral guy has evidently left and the hearse is nowhere in sight.
It looks to me only the diggers and crew are left and they’re having lunch. I feel terrible and apologise to the men for being late. I go to the side of a hole that I assume is the grave and look down. They’ve already started filling it in with sand. I don’t know what else to do, so I start to play my bagpipes.
The workers put down their lunches and gather around. I play my heart and soul out for this man who had no family and friends. I play like I’ve never played before.
As I play Amazing Grace the workers begin to weep, and so do I. When I finish I pack up my bagpipes and start for my car.
As I’m opening the door to my car I hear one worker say, “I’ve never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”
A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going “baa baa!” to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a “moo moo!”
They look around and see only sheep so they carry on as before, but the mooing continues.
One sheep can hear it clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, then asks, “Georgie, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go ‘baa’!”
“I know,” his friend says, “but I thought I’d learn a foreign language.”
These notices were posted on church noticeboards:
The fee for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on 24 October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
S The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
S The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
S This evening at 7pm there will be hymns sung in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. S The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I upped my pledge – up yours!”
A lawyer calls his boss at the legal firm in the early hours of the night. “I’m sorry to call you at this hour, sir,” he says. “Well it had better be something important,” his boss says grumpily.
“Well sir,” the lawyer says, “I just heard that your senior partner has died and I’d like to take his place.”
“I see,” his boss says. “Well, if it’s okay with the mortuary it’s okay with me.”
I hate weddings because the elderly come over and poke me and say, “You’re next.”
But they’ve stopped doing it since I started doing it to them at funerals.