A WIDE BERTH
A quiz for the hairier one in your pregnancy. Father-of-three Craig Bishop attempts to sift out the Peter Paternals from the Roger Run-Aways
HOW BEST TO PREPARE a woman for pregnancy and birth, asks an old adage? Stick a large beanbag down the front of her jersey, leave it there and then after nine months remove five percent of the beans. It’s a humorous acknowledgement that, left to itself, a woman’s body will get 95 percent of the whole baby-making miracle done on autocue, leaving, of course, that glorious baby bump for just a little bit of post-partum posterity. (And posterior, sometimes, too.) A dad on the other hand has no such in-built cruise control. We need a detailed road map, and we’ll NEVER admit when we’re lost. Here’s a quiz to establish whether your hairy partner needs to groom his paternal instincts. (Dads, here’s a quick, helpful tip to get you in the mood. Buy the chemist, the supermarket manager and three school principals each a first class round-theworld plane ticket. That’s how much control you’re now gonna have over your wallet. Still breathing? Right, here we go.) 1 WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A SON OR A DAUGHTER? Hah! Trick question. You will bloody well worship whatever comes out the business end of your soulmate. 2 WHAT DO MACLAREN, CHICCO BRAVO AND AUSTLEN ENTOURAGE ALL HAVE IN COMMON? a. Racing legend Lewis Hamilton drove each of these to victory in the 2004 Bulgarian Grand Prix. b. These are all foreign brands of off-road SUVs. c. They are all sturdy, reliable pram brands that your wife has tirelessly researched while you were watching the cricket. 3 HOW SOON AFTER GIVING BIRTH CAN YOU START HAVING SEX AGAIN? a. Two to six weeks. b. Two to six years. c. Slow down, tiger. Your love kitten will let you know when she’s good and ready, thank you very much. 4 HOW LONG SHOULD YOU LET A BABY CRY? a. Between five and 10 minutes if you want them to play scrumhalf for their country. b. No longer than 15 minutes if you want them to be president one day. c. What is it about the Five Ss (swaddle, side/stomach, shush, swing, suck) that defeats you so much, you heartless brute? 5 HOW OFTEN DOES THE AVERAGE NEWBORN EAT EACH DAY? a. Only once if you give it pizza first thing in the morning. b. Sorry, what was the question? Let me turn down the cricket. c. Well, let me see. I made my wife five hundred cups of tea today – one for each time she breastfed. of hummus. No. Bums terrify me. I’m on medication for it. 6 CAN YOU HANDLE POO NAPPIES? a. Yes, I once watched 45 minutes America’s Dirtiest Jobs while eating b.
c. Oh, grow up. For the first six months it’s no worse than Dijon mustard, and, after that – well, you’re hopelessly in love with the little guy. 7 WHAT ARE THE BABY BLUES? a. Frank Sinatra’s eyes. b. An old Ray Charles jazz classic the gynae was humming in the delivery room. c. Mother Nature’s incredible way of re-booting a woman’s mummy buttons, while daddy makes lots of cups of tea and brings tissues, chocolate and pink, fleecy blankets right now, dammit. 8 WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ANTENATAL CLASSES? a. It’s for chicks to eat chocolate cake and giggle about their menfolk’s unsanitary bathroom habits. b. That sort of feminine voodoo terrifies me. The phrase “mucous plug” instantly shuts down my central nervous system. c. To demonstrate resolute solidarity with mum, and to master the Five Ss. 9 HOW LONG BEFORE MY WIFE LOSES HER EXTRA, AHEM, BABY WEIGHT? a. Depending on how many family-sized packets of crisps she has gotten used to putting away each day, like a professional, a good seven months. b. Who ate all the cookies? c. As soon as you give her the space to put baby down, catch her breath and resume the epitome of all-powerful womanhood that you fell in love with. Besides, extra what??? 10 FAST-FORWARD 12 YEARS AND YOUR CHILD IS HIGH-TACKLED BY AN OFFSIDE FLYHALF DURING A CRITICAL UNDER 13S RUGBY MATCH. THE REF IGNORES THE BLATANT PENALTY. HOW DO YOU REACT? a. Loudly accuse the ref of being blinder than an Australian journalist. b. Storm the pitch in your 2008 Bok T-Shirt and become an overnight internet sensation. c. Design a conflict resolution diorama for this evening’s homework. d. All of the above.