Granny’s for­giv­able re­sent­ment hav­ing un­ac­cept­able re­sult

The China Post - - TV & COMICS -

DEAR AN­NIE: I am the mother of a 4-year-old girl. My mother, “Edna,” watches her for a few hours ev­ery Fri­day while I’m at work.

Last Fri­day, af­ter I brought my daugh­ter home, she told me, “Grandma was cry­ing to­day and told me that ‘ Grandma Kitty’ is not my grandma.” An­nie, Grandma Kitty is my Dad’s fi­ancee. Kitty was the rea­son for my par­ents’ di­vorce 12 years ago. Dad and Kitty have been to­gether ever since. I have man­aged to for­give both of them for their af­fair, and we visit them weekly.

We have found it eas­i­est to dif­fer­en­ti­ate be­tween grand­moth­ers by say­ing, “Grandma Edna,” “Grandma Kitty” and, for my hus­band’s mom, “Grandma Dina.” I try not to men­tion ei­ther my fa­ther or Kitty when my mom is around, know­ing she is still quite bit­ter. But I am aware that she tries to pry in­for­ma­tion out of my daugh­ter.

I know my mother’s feel­ings are still hurt, but my daugh­ter doesn’t un­der­stand why she shouldn’t call my fa­ther’s fi­ancee “Grandma Kitty.” This woman has been in her life since the day she was born. How can I get my mom to ac­cept this?

— Too Many Grand­mas

Dear Too: Ac­cep­tance may be ask­ing too much. But you can cer­tainly set bound­aries and make them stick. Tell your mother that the sub­ject of Grandma Kitty is off lim­its when she is with your daugh­ter. Make it clear that if she con­tin­ues to use your child as a weapon against Kitty, she will not be per­mit­ted to babysit. And mean it, even if you have to hire some­one to re­place her.

Mom has to learn to re­spect the re­la­tion­ships you have cre­ated for your daugh­ter and not un­der­mine your author­ity as a par­ent. Kitty is go­ing to be a part of your daugh­ter’s life for the fore­see­able fu­ture. Twelve years is a long time for Mom to hold onto this grudge and be so bit­ter. Sug­gest to her that she get some coun­sel­ing so she can move for­ward with her life.

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