Af­ter online af­fairs, should her hus­band get another chance?

The China Post - - TV & COMICS -

DEAR AN­NIE: I read you on Face­book and hope you can help. My hus­band and I have been mar­ried for two years, af­ter liv­ing to­gether for five. We have four beau­ti­ful chil­dren. Things were go­ing well un­til we moved into our new home. It’s as if we sud­denly be­came strangers. We barely spoke to each other. He kept a lot of se­crets and lied about ev­ery­thing.

I started snoop­ing around and found out he was hav­ing two online af­fairs. I con­fronted him, and he be­came an­gry, as if it were my fault. He made me feel ter­ri­ble, so I let him walk all over me and was mis­er­able. He claims these “af­fairs” were the same as look­ing at pornog­ra­phy, but he’s wrong. I know one of these women, and they were both send­ing him text mes­sages and racy photos. Last month, he cleared out half of our bank ac­count and won’t tell me where the money went.

Af­ter that, I told him he had to stop or the mar­riage was over, so he trashed his phone and now he rarely gets online. But I can’t help think­ing, given the chance, he would do it all again. I love him and our fam­ily and be­lieve in keep­ing our mar­riage in­tact, but I just don’t trust him any­more. Should I leave him or give him another chance? — Con­fused and Wor­ried


Dear Con­fused: When trust dis­ap­pears in a mar­riage, it takes a great deal of ef­fort — from both par­ties — to re­gain a foothold. You have four chil­dren to­gether. Your hus­band has ap­par­ently trashed his phone and rarely gets online, and, as far as you know, he is no longer car­ry­ing on with other women. These things would jus­tify giv­ing him another chance.

But he still hasn’t ex­plained or re­placed the miss­ing money (this is a huge red flag) and, ob­vi­ously, you don’t fully be­lieve that he will re­main faith­ful down the road. This is why coun­sel­ing is so im­por­tant. Please ask your hus­band to go with you to see a pro­fes­sional who can help him un­der­stand why his be­hav­ior is so dam­ag­ing, and work on ways for you to trust him again. As al­ways, if he re­fuses to go with you, go alone.

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