Lori Borgman finds the funny in everyday life, writing from the heartland of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys…
Newspaper headlines and photos have our columnist Lori Borgman feeling embarrassed, duped and terrified.
Iam suffering from reader regret – a mournful feeling tinged with embarrassment that one experiences after reading a story that one suddenly realises no sane person would have read. Last week I bombed out twice. The first time I was lured in by a headline about how to remove wrinkles around your eyes. Next to the headline was a picture of a woman with a plastic spoon over one eye (I have plastic spoons!) and a coin spinning on the counter in front of her (I have coins!).
As it turned out, the story was not about a miracle treatment you could do at home using nothing more than a plastic spoon and a coin, but about a product that works miracles if you’re willing to hock your house, your car, your kids’ educations, your life savings and put complete trust in a man with blinding white teeth and skin that looks like tightly-stretched plastic wrap sprayed with cooking oil. (I have cooking oil!)
Duped again. What can I say?
Hope springs eternal. And so do fine-line wrinkles.
My second bout of regret was reading about a boy in Texas who discovered a large poisonous rattlesnake in the toilet bowl. The kid had to be terrified out of his boots.
When I was about his age, there were reports of neighbours in a nearby subdivision going into their bathrooms at night and finding rats in their toilets (another story I never should have read.) Naturally, as someone who also lived in a house with a bathroom, I was terrified. But who wants to live in fear because of something that happened to someone else? I got proactive.
From then on, for years actually – make that decades – OK, until a few short years ago, I would never enter a bathroom without turning on the light and announcing I had dish detergent. I’d also read that if you ever find a rat in the toilet you should douse the toilet bowl with dish soap (that way it will be slippery and the rat will be unable to crawl out). Then you should start flushing like crazy.
At one point my fears were so out of control, I also checked the sink drain and would throw back the curtain to the shower. The dish soap threat worked, because I have never found a rat in a toilet bowl. Or a sink or a tub or hiding in a medicine cabinet.
But now I’m having second thoughts, wondering if I should stock up on dish soap again, all because I read about a kid in Texas.
From now on, I’m sticking with
My second bout of REGRET was reading about a boy in Texas who discovered a large poisonous RATTLESNAKE in the TOILET BOWL. The kid had to be TERRIFIED out of his boots
stories about politics, protests and riots. I may sleep better. Well, I may not sleep better, but I won’t be terrified of walking into a bathroom.
Still, I can’t help but feel sorry for the kid in Texas. Don’t take any chances son, carry dish soap at all times and always rip back the shower curtain.
I know. I probably need help. All this worry about rodents and reptiles does nothing for fine-line wrinkles.