HU­MOUR

Lori Borgman finds the funny in ev­ery­day life, writ­ing from the heart­land of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys…

Friday - - Contents -

News­pa­per head­lines and pho­tos have our colum­nist Lori Borgman feel­ing em­bar­rassed, duped and ter­ri­fied.

Iam suf­fer­ing from reader re­gret – a mourn­ful feel­ing tinged with em­bar­rass­ment that one ex­pe­ri­ences af­ter read­ing a story that one sud­denly re­alises no sane person would have read. Last week I bombed out twice. The first time I was lured in by a head­line about how to re­move wrin­kles around your eyes. Next to the head­line was a pic­ture of a wo­man with a plas­tic spoon over one eye (I have plas­tic spoons!) and a coin spin­ning on the counter in front of her (I have coins!).

As it turned out, the story was not about a mir­a­cle treat­ment you could do at home us­ing noth­ing more than a plas­tic spoon and a coin, but about a prod­uct that works mir­a­cles if you’re will­ing to hock your house, your car, your kids’ ed­u­ca­tions, your life sav­ings and put com­plete trust in a man with blind­ing white teeth and skin that looks like tightly-stretched plas­tic wrap sprayed with cook­ing oil. (I have cook­ing oil!)

Duped again. What can I say?

Hope springs eter­nal. And so do fine-line wrin­kles.

My sec­ond bout of re­gret was read­ing about a boy in Texas who dis­cov­ered a large poi­sonous rattlesnake in the toi­let bowl. The kid had to be ter­ri­fied out of his boots.

When I was about his age, there were re­ports of neigh­bours in a nearby sub­di­vi­sion go­ing into their bath­rooms at night and find­ing rats in their toi­lets (an­other story I never should have read.) Nat­u­rally, as some­one who also lived in a house with a bath­room, I was ter­ri­fied. But who wants to live in fear be­cause of some­thing that hap­pened to some­one else? I got proac­tive.

From then on, for years ac­tu­ally – make that decades – OK, un­til a few short years ago, I would never en­ter a bath­room with­out turn­ing on the light and an­nounc­ing I had dish de­ter­gent. I’d also read that if you ever find a rat in the toi­let you should douse the toi­let bowl with dish soap (that way it will be slip­pery and the rat will be un­able to crawl out). Then you should start flush­ing like crazy.

At one point my fears were so out of con­trol, I also checked the sink drain and would throw back the cur­tain to the shower. The dish soap threat worked, be­cause I have never found a rat in a toi­let bowl. Or a sink or a tub or hid­ing in a medicine cab­i­net.

But now I’m hav­ing sec­ond thoughts, won­der­ing if I should stock up on dish soap again, all be­cause I read about a kid in Texas.

From now on, I’m stick­ing with

My sec­ond bout of RE­GRET was read­ing about a boy in Texas who dis­cov­ered a large poi­sonous RATTLESNAKE in the TOI­LET BOWL. The kid had to be TER­RI­FIED out of his boots

sto­ries about pol­i­tics, protests and ri­ots. I may sleep bet­ter. Well, I may not sleep bet­ter, but I won’t be ter­ri­fied of walk­ing into a bath­room.

Still, I can’t help but feel sorry for the kid in Texas. Don’t take any chances son, carry dish soap at all times and al­ways rip back the shower cur­tain.

I know. I prob­a­bly need help. All this worry about ro­dents and rep­tiles does noth­ing for fine-line wrin­kles.

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