One look at a woman’s hand­bag and our colum­nist Lori Borgman will tell you her per­son­al­ity type.

Lori Borgman finds funny in every­day life, writ­ing from the heart­land of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys...

Friday - - Contents -

My hus­band will tell you that I prob­a­bly own some­where in the neigh­bour­hood of 452 purses, one for each day of the year and four for ev­ery ma­jor hol­i­day, in­clud­ing Eat Over the Kitchen Sink Day.

I ac­tu­ally own four purses – a roomy brown shoul­der bag (soon due for re­tire­ment), a trendy, itsy bitsy black wal­let purse (what a joke), a beige clutch (sleek and so­phis­ti­cated, but en­tirely ridicu­lous for a grand­mother of nine), and a straw purse with drag­on­flies on it that my dad in­sisted on buy­ing the year be­fore he died (the sides have col­lapsed, but it has price­less sen­ti­men­tal value.)

Why does my hus­band be­lieve I own a myr­iad of purses? I let him. A while back, we were in a de­part­ment store and I stopped to look at purses on sale.

‘So, do you buy a purse ev­ery week?’ he quipped. Sharp stuff com­ing from a guy who fre­quently asks if I have room in my purse for his car keys, breath mints, tele­photo cam­era lens, the charg­ing cord to his cell­phone and his run­ning shoes.

You would think he never heard of the old cliché, ‘Never bite the hand­bag that totes you.’

Be­ing that he made a com­ment so clearly de­serv­ing of ha­rass­ment, when we are ready to go some­where, I now say things like, ‘I can’t leave un­til I move things from my Wed­nes­day purse to my Thurs­day purse.’ He sus­pects I’m jok­ing, but he’s not en­tirely sure. He’s an ob­ser­vant man; it’s just that purses are not among the things he ob­serves. What a shame. A true pity. Men should pay close at­ten­tion to purses, be­cause you can learn a lot about a woman by the hand­bag she car­ries.

A fe­male who car­ries one of those tiny purses no big­ger than a slice of bread is pack­ing noth­ing more than one lip gloss, a tube of mas­cara, one credit card and a driver’s li­cence.She is also usu­ally very young, very thin and very rich. I don’t like her. ( Just kid­ding.)

Women who carry mid-sized shoul­der bags are light years be­yond that min­i­mal­ist thing. Their purses are pack horses for the en­tire fam­ily. They are pack­ing coupons, over-the-counter meds for headaches and al­ler­gies,

A FE­MALE who car­ries one of those TINY PURSES no big­ger than a slice of BREAD is usu­ally VERY YOUNG, very thin and VERY RICH. I don’t like her. (Just kid­ding.)

sun­block, man­i­cure sup­plies, an­tibac­te­rial hand gel, saltines wrapped in cel­lo­phane and dried fruit snacks.

A woman with an enor­mous purse re­sem­bling a back­pack or bowl­ing bag is one of three types. She is ei­ther a woman with a baby, try­ing to dis­guise the fact it is ac­tu­ally a di­a­per bag, pack­ing di­a­pers, tow­elettes and plas­tic toys, or she is a grand­mother who sim­ply needs room for all those 8x10s she car­ries of the grand­kids, or she is a woman for whom the phrase ‘travel light’ has no mean­ing.

To know a purse is to know a woman.

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