Lori Borgman finds the funny in everyday life, writing from the heartland of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys..
Our columnist Lori Borgman has skin so pale she says she glows in the dark.
We are coming upon the most dreaded season of the year — summer. Many people will be walking about showing off golden brown tans that scream, ‘I swim, I golf, I go boating, I play tennis!’
Meanwhile I will be walking about, my usual pasty white self, a skin tone that screams, ‘I stay inside and read books all summer!’
I don’t stay inside and read books all summer, it’s just that I’m one of those people who don’t tan. I’m naturally pale. Very pale. I’m so pale I nearly glow in the dark.
On the upside, the family never needs to hunt for a flashlight. They just say, ‘Mom, show a little leg; Dad dropped the car keys.’
Can’t find something in the back of your closet? Call me. I can wave my arms around and you’ll find things you forgot you had.
Naturally, every year I think this might be the year I spend a few hours outside and inexplicably develop a lovely golden brown tan. Of course, I don’t. So then I think maybe this is the year there’s a product that will give me a natural-looking golden brown tan.
I’m a marketer’s dream when it comes to self-tanning products. I first tried one when I was a girl of about 15. The advertisement promised it would turn my anaemic-looking skin into a beautiful bronze and make me more popular at the ocean’s shore. That was impressive, especially considering that the nearest beach was 1,000 miles away. I figured if one coat would make me bronze, two coats would make me very bronze. I slathered on three for good measure.
The next morning I awoke and found that the lotion had indeed delivered results. I looked like a human carrot.
My mother screamed at the sight of me and rushed for her medical book.
I gave up on self-tanning lotions until about a decade ago. There was a new product, a paper towel of sorts, saturated with a lotion that would turn your skin a beautiful golden brown. The instructions said to apply it with circular motions. I woke the next day with circles on my face and arms that made me look like a leopard.
The next year, I tried a foam that said to apply it in vertical motions. For six days I walked around with stripes on my legs and arms that looked like a zebra.
A friend suggested I try one of those spray tans a few years ago. It left me
A friend suggested I try one of those SPRAY TANS. It left me golden brown with just a HINT OF ORANGE, but had an unpleasant odour to it. Everywhere I went people asked, ‘WHAT SMELLS?’
golden brown with just a hint of orange, but had an unpleasant odour to it. Everywhere I went people asked, ‘What smells?’
I’m finished trying to be someone I’m not. I have finally made peace with being pale in the Bronze Age.
As a matter of fact, our local symphony does an outdoor summer concert series in the park after dark. I’m thinking of volunteering as an usher.