HU­MOUR

Lori Borgman finds the funny in ev­ery­day life, writ­ing from the heart­land of the US. Now, if she could just find her car keys..

Friday - - Contents -

Our colum­nist Lori Borgman has skin so pale she says she glows in the dark.

We are com­ing upon the most dreaded sea­son of the year — sum­mer. Many peo­ple will be walk­ing about show­ing off golden brown tans that scream, ‘I swim, I golf, I go boat­ing, I play ten­nis!’

Mean­while I will be walk­ing about, my usual pasty white self, a skin tone that screams, ‘I stay in­side and read books all sum­mer!’

I don’t stay in­side and read books all sum­mer, it’s just that I’m one of those peo­ple who don’t tan. I’m nat­u­rally pale. Very pale. I’m so pale I nearly glow in the dark.

On the up­side, the fam­ily never needs to hunt for a flash­light. They just say, ‘Mom, show a lit­tle leg; Dad dropped the car keys.’

Can’t find some­thing in the back of your closet? Call me. I can wave my arms around and you’ll find things you for­got you had.

Nat­u­rally, ev­ery year I think this might be the year I spend a few hours out­side and in­ex­pli­ca­bly de­velop a lovely golden brown tan. Of course, I don’t. So then I think maybe this is the year there’s a prod­uct that will give me a nat­u­ral-look­ing golden brown tan.

I’m a mar­keter’s dream when it comes to self-tan­ning prod­ucts. I first tried one when I was a girl of about 15. The ad­ver­tise­ment promised it would turn my anaemic-look­ing skin into a beau­ti­ful bronze and make me more pop­u­lar at the ocean’s shore. That was im­pres­sive, espe­cially con­sid­er­ing that the near­est beach was 1,000 miles away. I fig­ured if one coat would make me bronze, two coats would make me very bronze. I slathered on three for good mea­sure.

The next morn­ing I awoke and found that the lo­tion had in­deed de­liv­ered re­sults. I looked like a hu­man car­rot.

My mother screamed at the sight of me and rushed for her med­i­cal book.

I gave up on self-tan­ning lo­tions un­til about a decade ago. There was a new prod­uct, a paper towel of sorts, sat­u­rated with a lo­tion that would turn your skin a beau­ti­ful golden brown. The in­struc­tions said to ap­ply it with cir­cu­lar mo­tions. I woke the next day with cir­cles on my face and arms that made me look like a leop­ard.

The next year, I tried a foam that said to ap­ply it in ver­ti­cal mo­tions. For six days I walked around with stripes on my legs and arms that looked like a ze­bra.

A friend sug­gested I try one of those spray tans a few years ago. It left me

A friend sug­gested I try one of those SPRAY TANS. It left me golden brown with just a HINT OF OR­ANGE, but had an un­pleas­ant odour to it. Ev­ery­where I went peo­ple asked, ‘WHAT SMELLS?’

golden brown with just a hint of or­ange, but had an un­pleas­ant odour to it. Ev­ery­where I went peo­ple asked, ‘What smells?’

I’m fin­ished try­ing to be some­one I’m not. I have fi­nally made peace with be­ing pale in the Bronze Age.

As a mat­ter of fact, our lo­cal sym­phony does an out­door sum­mer con­cert se­ries in the park af­ter dark. I’m think­ing of vol­un­teer­ing as an usher.

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