An­gry Monkey Hit Lists

Infusion Magazine - - LOOKING CLOSER -

It was about about time time that that the the An­gry Monkey had his spot in An­gry­the lime­light. Monkey So had we his hand­edspot in himthe lime­light.4 pages, So and we asked handed him himto fill 4 them. pages, Thisand asked bil­ious him di­a­tri­beto fill them.of righ­teousThis bil­ious anger di­a­tribeis of what righ­teoushe sent anger us… is what he sent us…

Real Es­tate.Es­tate. There’s There’s no no bub­ble, bub­ble, well well­not ac­cord­ing­not ac­cord­ingto to prop­erty ‘ ‘ ex­perts’ ex­perts’ ( ie ( ie im­ported im­ported ex­pats ex­pats look­ing look­ing to maketo makea quicka quick buck). But what ex­actly do you call a 30% rise rise in in prices prices in in a a year, year, es­pe­cially when our salaries are stuck in the dark ages.

Hostesses who look look at at you you like like you’re you’re s*** s*** on on their their shoe shoe when you turn up to the event event you’re you’re in­vited in­vited to. to. “Is“Is your your name name on theon the list?” list?” they they ask askin a in snideya snidey mean mean girl girl man­ner. man­ner. What What the the f*** f*** else wouldelse wouldI be do­ingI be doin­gat this at new this ket­tle­new ket­tle launch launchif I wasn’tif I wasn’t( it was( it a was gold­plateda gold- ket­tle plated af­ter ket­tle all?) afterI was all?) ac­tu­al­lyI was ac­tu­ally in­vited in­vit­edlove. Not love. paid Not to paid look liketo looka gorm­lesslike a gorm­less statue. statue.

What’s the the ob­ses­sion ob­ses­sion with with tell­ers tell­ers ask­ing ask­ingif youif you

Dhs1 have in change? Where Where else else does does this hap­penthis hap­penin the in the world? world?Is some­oneIs some­one hoard­ing hoard­ingth­ese Dhs1 th­ese Dhs1 coins, coins, maybe that’s maybe how that’s Dubai’show Dubai’s prop­erty de­vel­op­er­sprop­erty de­vel­op­er­sare hopin­gare to hop­ing­pay off to pay their off their stag­ger­ing debts… stag­ger­ing debts…

Red tapetape gets getsa wholea whole­new new mean­ing in Dubai. Dubai. You You don’t don’t sim­ply sim­ply wade through through it, it, you you suf­fer suf­fer­like like you’re in beau­ro­cratic quick­sand: the morethe more you you strug­gle, strug­gle,the morethe more bogged down bogged in down of­fi­cial in of­fi­cial stamps, stamps, mother’s maiden mother’s names maiden and names reams and of pass­portreams of pass­port­copies that copies have to be that trans­lat­ed­have to be into trans­lat­edAra­bic into and Klin­gon.Ara­bic and Klin­gon. Mov­ing toto Dubai gives gives you you 2 2 things: a tan, and an over- in­flated ego. Just be­cause wait­ing staff staff call call you you sir, sir, doesn’t make you a Knight of the realm. Sim­mer down and pack your own own bags bags at Spin­neysat Spin­neys be­fore be­foreI forciblyI forcibly send send you you back to back Rom­ford.to Rom­ford.

Dinglish ( Dubai English) • Re­sort and do the need­ful • Maam/ Sir • Back­side of the build­ing • What is your good name

The city’s col­lec­tive ob­ses­sion ob­ses­sion with with faxes. We’re We’re yet yet to to see see a a pager num­ber be­ing be­ing ac­tively ac­tively used, used, but but it’s it’s only only a mat­tera mat­ter of timeof time be­fore we jet back to the fu­ture.

Road sys­tems seem­ingly de­signed by a hy­per­ac­tive 3 year old on an Etch-a-Sketch binge.

Mini-fire­work dis­plays dis­plays to signalto sig­nal you’ve wasted a small na­tion’s GDP on on a a mid­get mid­get sized sized bot­tle bot­tle of Cham­pagne. Well done you, well done.

Ma­niac driv­ers who think they’re ei­ther in the Wacky Rac­ers,or au­di­tioningor au­di­tion­ing­for Nascar. for And Nascar. yes, AndI did yes,just flipI did you just the flip bird you as the you bird wereas you 20mm were away 20mm from my away bumper from with my your bumper lights withon full your beam lights at on 120kph,full beam what at are 120kph,you go­ing whatto do are aboutyou goin­git, cry to to do the about po­lice?it, cry Oh to right,the you po­lice?are ac­tu­ally,Oh right,d* ck­wad.you are ac­tu­ally, d* ck­wad. Driv­ers who who refuse refuse to to take take off off the plas­tic cov­er­ing on on seats in in cars. cars. What What the the ac­tual ac­tual f* ck are you do­ing? Pre­par­ing for the in­evitable mur­der scene af­ter af­ter you ram into into an­other an­other car car at at 180 180 on the Abu Dhabi Dhabi High­way High­way while while play­ing An­gry An­gry Birds Birds and and tex­ting tex­ting your Filipino mis­tress mis­tress pic­tures pic­tures of of your junk?

Mo­nop­oly. Al­ways Al­ways guar­an­teed guar­an­teed to make make some­one some­one cry. cry. In In this this case, case, the du­op­oly du­op­oly be­tween be­tween state state owned owned com­mu­ni­ca­tion com­pa­nies com­pa­nies du du and and Eti­salat makes us all cry.

Taxi driv­ers aim­ing aim­ing to to hit hit 88mph 88mph be­tween be­tween each each traf­fic traf­fic light light hop­ing for a part in the Back To The Fu­ture re­make.

The Dubai moan. If you hate it it so so much much here, here, scut­tle scut­tle off to whichever cr@ cr@ phole phole you you came came from. from. If If not, not, shut shut up up and put up.

Car honkers. The lights lit­er­ally changed 0.0034 sec­onds ago, but but you’re you’re al­ready al­ready sit­ting sit­ting on on the the horn horn and blar­ing your lights. Here, have a Dar­win award.

Peo­ple who leave pets when they they find find out out the the cost cost of of bring­ing them them home. home. A A dog/ dog/ cat/ cat/ gold­fish gold­fish isn’t isn’t just just for for Christ­mas you heart­less Grinch.

Sun­glasses. In In doors. doors. Un­less Un­less there’s a med­i­cal med­i­cal rea­son, rea­son, or or you’re you’re stu­pen­dously hun­gover, hun­gover, take take them off this this in­stant, in­stant, you you colos­sal colos­sal douchebag.

Peo­ple who en­ter a lift be­fore the the peo­ple peo­ple get geta chancea chanceto exit.to exit. There’s There’sa one waya onetrip in way the trip devil’sin the lift devil’s wait­ing lift for wait­ingyou in the for af­teryou in life. the af­ter life.

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