Angry Monkey Hit Lists
It was about about time time that that the the Angry Monkey had his spot in Angrythe limelight. Monkey So had we his handedspot in himthe limelight.4 pages, So and we asked handed him himto fill 4 them. pages, Thisand asked bilious him diatribeto fill them.of righteousThis bilious anger diatribeis of what righteoushe sent anger us… is what he sent us…
Real Estate.Estate. There’s There’s no no bubble, bubble, well wellnot accordingnot accordingto to property ‘ ‘ experts’ experts’ ( ie ( ie imported imported expats expats looking looking to maketo makea quicka quick buck). But what exactly do you call a 30% rise rise in in prices prices in in a a year, year, especially when our salaries are stuck in the dark ages.
Hostesses who look look at at you you like like you’re you’re s*** s*** on on their their shoe shoe when you turn up to the event event you’re you’re invited invited to. to. “Is“Is your your name name on theon the list?” list?” they they ask askin a in snideya snidey mean mean girl girl manner. manner. What What the the f*** f*** else wouldelse wouldI be doingI be doingat this at new this kettlenew kettle launch launchif I wasn’tif I wasn’t( it was( it a was goldplateda gold- kettle plated after kettle all?) afterI was all?) actuallyI was actually invited invitedlove. Not love. paid Not to paid look liketo looka gormlesslike a gormless statue. statue.
What’s the the obsession obsession with with tellers tellers asking askingif youif you
Dhs1 have in change? Where Where else else does does this happenthis happenin the in the world? world?Is someoneIs someone hoarding hoardingthese Dhs1 these Dhs1 coins, coins, maybe that’s maybe how that’s Dubai’show Dubai’s property developersproperty developersare hopingare to hopingpay off to pay their off their staggering debts… staggering debts…
Red tapetape gets getsa wholea wholenew new meaning in Dubai. Dubai. You You don’t don’t simply simply wade through through it, it, you you suffer sufferlike like you’re in beaurocratic quicksand: the morethe more you you struggle, struggle,the morethe more bogged down bogged in down official in official stamps, stamps, mother’s maiden mother’s names maiden and names reams and of passportreams of passportcopies that copies have to be that translatedhave to be into translatedArabic into and Klingon.Arabic and Klingon. Moving toto Dubai gives gives you you 2 2 things: a tan, and an over- inflated ego. Just because waiting staff staff call call you you sir, sir, doesn’t make you a Knight of the realm. Simmer down and pack your own own bags bags at Spinneysat Spinneys before beforeI forciblyI forcibly send send you you back to back Romford.to Romford.
Dinglish ( Dubai English) • Resort and do the needful • Maam/ Sir • Backside of the building • What is your good name
The city’s collective obsession obsession with with faxes. We’re We’re yet yet to to see see a a pager number being being actively actively used, used, but but it’s it’s only only a mattera matter of timeof time before we jet back to the future.
Road systems seemingly designed by a hyperactive 3 year old on an Etch-a-Sketch binge.
Mini-firework displays displays to signalto signal you’ve wasted a small nation’s GDP on on a a midget midget sized sized bottle bottle of Champagne. Well done you, well done.
Maniac drivers who think they’re either in the Wacky Racers,or auditioningor auditioningfor Nascar. for And Nascar. yes, AndI did yes,just flipI did you just the flip bird you as the you bird wereas you 20mm were away 20mm from my away bumper from with my your bumper lights withon full your beam lights at on 120kph,full beam what at are 120kph,you going whatto do are aboutyou goingit, cry to to do the about police?it, cry Oh to right,the you police?are actually,Oh right,d* ckwad.you are actually, d* ckwad. Drivers who who refuse refuse to to take take off off the plastic covering on on seats in in cars. cars. What What the the actual actual f* ck are you doing? Preparing for the inevitable murder scene after after you ram into into another another car car at at 180 180 on the Abu Dhabi Dhabi Highway Highway while while playing Angry Angry Birds Birds and and texting texting your Filipino mistress mistress pictures pictures of of your junk?
Monopoly. Always Always guaranteed guaranteed to make make someone someone cry. cry. In In this this case, case, the duopoly duopoly between between state state owned owned communication companies companies du du and and Etisalat makes us all cry.
Taxi drivers aiming aiming to to hit hit 88mph 88mph between between each each traffic traffic light light hoping for a part in the Back To The Future remake.
The Dubai moan. If you hate it it so so much much here, here, scuttle scuttle off to whichever cr@ cr@ phole phole you you came came from. from. If If not, not, shut shut up up and put up.
Car honkers. The lights literally changed 0.0034 seconds ago, but but you’re you’re already already sitting sitting on on the the horn horn and blaring your lights. Here, have a Darwin award.
People who leave pets when they they find find out out the the cost cost of of bringing them them home. home. A A dog/ dog/ cat/ cat/ goldfish goldfish isn’t isn’t just just for for Christmas you heartless Grinch.
Sunglasses. In In doors. doors. Unless Unless there’s a medical medical reason, reason, or or you’re you’re stupendously hungover, hungover, take take them off this this instant, instant, you you colossal colossal douchebag.
People who enter a lift before the the people people get geta chancea chanceto exit.to exit. There’s There’sa one waya onetrip in way the trip devil’sin the lift devil’s waiting lift for waitingyou in the for afteryou in life. the after life.