Brunty de­cides he’s go­ing to be a tri coach

In­spired by a friend, Brunty’s de­cided he should turn his hand to coach­ing… just not ac­tual swim, bike or run ad­vice

220 Triathlon Magazine - - CONTENTS - MARTYN BRUNT Martyn is tri’s fore­most av­er­age ath­lete and is liv­ing proof that hours of train­ing and end­less new kit are no sub­sti­tute for abil­ity.

“Stand by for ‘Brunty’s Use­ful Mul­tisport Skills’ coach­ing ven­ture”

Re­cently, a friend of mine

an­nounced that he had qual­i­fied as a ‘Level 2 Triathlon Coach’. My first re­ac­tion was to laugh like a hyena on meth-am­phet­a­mine be­cause this par­tic­u­lar in­di­vid­ual wouldn’t make a de­cent coach if you took all his teeth out and put 52 seats in.

Yet my de­ri­sion gave way to cu­rios­ity about what pre­cisely it is he’s now qual­i­fied to teach. Dis­ap­point­ingly, it seems to fo­cus en­tirely on ‘swim­ming, cy­cling and run­ning’ – I say dis­ap­point­ingly be­cause, as we all know, there’s an aw­ful lot more to tri that that. In fact, I’d go so far as to say these aren’t even in the top three most im­por­tant things a triath­lete needs to learn.

This got me think­ing that maybe, at last, I’ve found my niche in the sport. As tri’s num­ber one id­iot­sa­vant with proper tri-skil­lzzzz forged in the fur­nace of end­less blun­der­ing, I could set up as a coach and of­fer my bound­less knowl­edge on the stuff you need to know, like:

How to balance your kit box on your bike while walk­ing to tran­si­tion with­out drop­ping the box and scat­ter­ing your kit ev­ery­where or crack­ing your shin so hard on a pedal you feel like you’ve just kicked an en­gine block.

How to re­move num­ber trans­fers from your arm while re­tain­ing skin.

What body lan­guage and fa­cial ex­pres­sion to adopt to stop your bike-rack­ing neigh­bour from en­croach­ing onto YOUR tran­si­tion space.

How to per­form bike main­te­nance us­ing only Allen keys and swear words. Pre­par­ing for a pre-race­sea­son diet by emp­ty­ing the en­tire con­tents of the fridge into your mouth.

How to make your race re­sults sound much bet­ter than they are, i.e. ‘I was first in my age–group, from my club’, ‘I was slightly slower than last year but con­di­tions were much windier’, and ‘If I was in the age-group above I’d have fin­ished in the top-10.’

At public swims, which lane to select so that peo­ple don’t get in your way or are likely to get out soon.

Which race T-shirt to wear to your next race so that you look si­mul­ta­ne­ously ex­pe­ri­enced, mod­est, and not a knob.

How to put your swim hat on with­out it ping­ing off your head like a North Korean rocket.

How to re­move en­ergy gel from your hands and han­dle­bars.

How long to leave your tran­si­tion/ race wrist­band on your wrist be­fore you start to look like a tit. At this point my train of thought be­came a bus re­place­ment ser­vice and I ran out of ideas, so I took to Twit­ter to test the wa­ter with other triathletes, and lo! They proved pop­u­lar enough for peo­ple to start of­fer­ing me monthly di­rect deb­its for my wis­dom. Not only that, I had a whole heap of ad­di­tional sug­ges­tions that I’ll now claim as all my own ideas. These in­cluded:

Felic­ity Cad­dick - “Re­mov­ing per­ma­nent marker from your skin. My col­leagues are of­ten con­fused by Mon­day morn­ing calf num­bers.”

Ruth New­man – “How to be as silent as a spar­row fart when creep­ing out of the house to go train­ing in the early hours so as not to set the dog off.”

So­phie Wether­all – “How to stand in the wa­ter at the start of a race and not look like freez­ing wa­ter is com­ing in through your zip.”

Sam Rob­son – “Ef­fec­tive por­taloo tac­tics. Which one to choose and which to avoid with­out hav­ing to open the door and be ex­posed to the po­ten­tial con­tents therein.”

TriLinds – “How to re­move your wet­suit with­out hop­ping around on one leg and slip­ping on your arse.”

An­gela Har­ris – “How to stop your­self im­me­di­ately need­ing to go to the toi­let the mo­ment you’ve zipped your wet­suit up.”

Chris Hoy – “How not to up­set ab­so­lutely ev­ery am­a­teur ath­lete who has ever worn Ly­cra.” As you can see, there’s a gap in the mar­ket for some­one to of­fer this ex­per­tise, so stand by for my new ven­ture into the world of coach­ing with ‘Brunty’s Use­ful Mul­tisport Skills’, per­fect for the ath­lete who’s fed up with be­ing at the rear.

DANIEL SEEX

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