Belfast Telegraph - Weekend - - WEEKEND TV -

I’ve re­cently got en­gaged to the man I’ve been go­ing out with for the past three years, so why is it that I can’t stop think­ing about my first boyfriend?

I haven’t seen him for seven years and, even when we were to­gether, I don’t think I re­ally loved him.

I’ve tried to con­cen­trate on my fi­ance, but my ex is still there in the back of my mind. What’s wrong with me and why can’t I for­get about him? CC A first love of­ten leaves last­ing mem­o­ries and I don’t think any­body ever com­pletely KATE HUD­SON AND NICK JONAS WERE SAID TO BE FRIENDS WITH BEN­E­FITS AT ONE STAGE Two years ago I sep­a­rated from my boyfriend when his drink­ing and beat­ings be­came too much for me to han­dle.

Now he’s got in touch apol­o­gis­ing for how he used to be and promis­ing me he’s changed. He says he wants me back, but he’s said that be­fore.

I’ve just started a new re­la­tion­ship and am not sure I want to give up on it, but I still have feel­ings for my ex and won­der if I should give him an­other chance. I’m so con­fused. Is it pos­si­ble he’s changed? GI Whilst some­one with an ag­gres­sive drink­ing prob­lem can change, it’s not usu­ally with­out help.

Do you know if he’s had any form of ther­apy or coun­selling?

I can’t know whether he has changed, for­gets. You’ve just com­mit­ted your­self to mar­ry­ing some­one, so per­haps it’s not sur­pris­ing your mind is re­view­ing past re­la­tion­ships to re­as­sure your­self you’re do­ing the right thing.

Rather than fight these mem­o­ries, see them for what they are — parts of your past that will al­ways be with you and any more than you can, but if he has made and bro­ken prom­ises to you in the past, I do know he’s ca­pa­ble of do­ing so again.

You need to think this through care­fully. You have a new re­la­tion­ship open­ing up to you, but it seems you’re still pre­pared to risk ev­ery­thing by re­turn­ing to an ex-boyfriend who has hurt and dam­aged you in the past.

My fear is that, like a lot of abu­sive men, he still has some sort of con­trol over you.

What do you re­ally gain by re­turn­ing to your ex?

Think about that and also think about what you stand to lose, be­cause only when you’ve thought through all that can you make the right de­ci­sion for you. which have made you the per­son you are to­day.

Once you can ac­cept this, I am sure you’ll soon be able to stop wor­ry­ing and start look­ing for­ward to mak­ing your wedding plans. 53

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