Why you should never settle for second best

A new book suggests that our expectations of our partners are too high, which untimately damages our relationship – but Emma isn’t convinced

An American A psychology professor, Eli Finkel, has written a new book called The All-ornothing Marriage. He thinks that we expect too much from relationships and we should lower our expectations to feel fulfilled. I disagree. He says our expectations have changed, but all that I believe has changed is women’s equality, and if that means we are more demanding of our relationships and aware of our self-worth, then our partners need to up their game rather than us settling for less!

You should only marry if you genuinely believe that you’re in a forever relationship. If that's the case, high expectations should absolutely be a priority. Consider marriage like a job. You sign a contract to agree you will fulfil certain responsibilities. If either of you fail to carry out the job description, you can’t wander into your boss’ office suggesting that they’re too demanding and that they need to lower their expectations of you.

Relationships should be treated in exactly the same manner, and if your partner is letting you down, being unsupportive or failing to make you feel loved, then it’s time to work out what’s going wrong.

FEEL FULFILLED

That doesn’t mean that everything you ask for should be granted, or that your partner should constantly back down but, during challenges, you should feel loved, treasured and safe in your relationship.

Finkel also suggests you’re wrong to seek approval from your partner, or to expect them to love you in a way where you feel attractive and valued for your natural abilities, but that would mean being denied what a loving and safe relationship is. Why shouldn’t your partner make you feel good about yourself? Why shouldn’t they appreciate your humour or kindness? We are no longer owned by our other half through marriage and you no longer have to accept second best. If that means we end up divorced and single, then that’s better than what used to be on offer – staying in an unhappy relationship.

Partnerships that don’t inspire you will drag you down. Keep those standards high and know your own self-worth, because your perfect person certainly will, and that’s how you know they’re the one for you.