Closer’s dat­ing ex­pert, Re­becca Twomey, on look­ing for love af­ter a break-up, and why you can’t heal your heartache with a re­bound

Closer (UK) - - Health -

Have you ever tried to H get over a break-up by get­ting back on the dat­ing scene? I’ve been guilty of this sev­eral times, but when you’re nurs­ing a bro­ken heart, I’m not con­fi­dent that the bru­tal world of dat­ing is the right place to be. Swip­ing through men on apps, strik­ing up flir­ta­tious ban­ter and go­ing on dates can feel like a great dis­trac­tion but, some­times, it can do more harm than good.

Af­ter I con­fided in a col­league that I was go­ing dat­ing post­split, she told me, “All you’re go­ing to do is open up a wound ev­ery time you’re re­jected.”

But you’re of­ten en­cour­aged to date when you’re still cry­ing over your ex. There’s even an app for it called Re­boun­d­ate, where you can spec­ify if you’re an­gry or heart­bro­ken. I’m not sure why any­one would want to know­ingly date some­one who wasn’t over their last re­la­tion­ship, but you have to ad­mire the hon­esty.

A key part of suc­cess­ful

dat­ing is be­ing happy as a sin­gle per­son. And Pro­fes­sor Viren Swami, author of At­trac­tion Ex­plained: The Sci­ence Of How We Form Re­la­tion­ships, agrees.

He says, “Stud­ies have shown that peo­ple want to move on quickly from a re­la­tion­ship and meet a lot of peo­ple fast. And when they can’t find the per­fect per­son in the first few dates, they be­come dis­il­lu­sioned. But just af­ter a trauma, like a break-up, you have the great­est abil­ity to grow.” So, what’s the so­lu­tion? Pro­fes­sor Swami adds, “Ev­ery­one should have ther­apy or a spell of sel­f­re­flec­tion fol­low­ing a breakup. That way you can work out what you truly need.”

And that’s the secret for when you’re tempted to re­bound. Force your­self to delete the apps – even just tem­po­rar­ily while you re­cover. Then, you can re­turn when you’re en­er­gised and re­freshed, with a strong sense of not tak­ing any­thing too per­son­ally and fo­cus­ing on en­joy­ing meet­ing new peo­ple – not a quick fix to plas­ter over the pain.

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