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Closer’s dating expert, Rebecca Twomey, on looking for love after a break-up, and why you can’t heal your heartache with a rebound
Have you ever tried to H get over a break-up by getting back on the dating scene? I’ve been guilty of this several times, but when you’re nursing a broken heart, I’m not confident that the brutal world of dating is the right place to be. Swiping through men on apps, striking up flirtatious banter and going on dates can feel like a great distraction but, sometimes, it can do more harm than good.
After I confided in a colleague that I was going dating postsplit, she told me, “All you’re going to do is open up a wound every time you’re rejected.”
But you’re often encouraged to date when you’re still crying over your ex. There’s even an app for it called Reboundate, where you can specify if you’re angry or heartbroken. I’m not sure why anyone would want to knowingly date someone who wasn’t over their last relationship, but you have to admire the honesty.
A key part of successful
dating is being happy as a single person. And Professor Viren Swami, author of Attraction Explained: The Science Of How We Form Relationships, agrees.
He says, “Studies have shown that people want to move on quickly from a relationship and meet a lot of people fast. And when they can’t find the perfect person in the first few dates, they become disillusioned. But just after a trauma, like a break-up, you have the greatest ability to grow.” So, what’s the solution? Professor Swami adds, “Everyone should have therapy or a spell of selfreflection following a breakup. That way you can work out what you truly need.”
And that’s the secret for when you’re tempted to rebound. Force yourself to delete the apps – even just temporarily while you recover. Then, you can return when you’re energised and refreshed, with a strong sense of not taking anything too personally and focusing on enjoying meeting new people – not a quick fix to plaster over the pain.