This month our colum­nist re­dis­cov­ers kink

Cosmopolitan (UK) - - Contents -

Ev­ery time I feel like I’m start­ing to get the hang of be­ing polyamorous, this new life­style throws me an­other curve­ball. The lat­est one in­volves kinky sex – and it’s a lot harder to han­dle than I’d imag­ined.

While I am be­gin­ning to set­tle into a rou­tine of reg­u­larly see­ing my new girl­friend (we have sex most times we meet, in ho­tel rooms and some­times in the back of my car), we agree that kinky games can wait un­til we’ve built up a lit­tle more trust. But my wife, Lucy,* is tak­ing a dif­fer­ent ap­proach…

She is hav­ing more trou­ble than me find­ing a ‘non-pri­mary’ re­la­tion­ship that lasts for more than a few weeks. How­ever, there seems to be no short­age of men on dat­ing apps who are quite will­ing to be com­pletely up­front about the kind of sex they are into – and she ad­mits she’s at­tracted to men who want to be dom­i­nant.

It shouldn’t re­ally be a big sur­prise that polyamorous peo­ple are such ‘free-think­ing in­di­vid­u­als’, but nev­er­the­less, I find my­self feel­ing some­what un­com­fort­able about my wife ar­rang­ing a meet­ing with her lat­est in­ter­est, as he seems to be more of a ‘booty call’ than a ro­man­tic be­gin­ning.

Polyamory feels like Pandora’s Box: now our mar­riage is open, it’s hard to see how we might ever go back to closed monogamy. Still, I’ve come this far… I’m now fall­ing for Nell,* so pulling the plug on the whole set-up just be­cause I don’t like the sound of Lucy’s new boyfriend would not only be hyp­o­crit­i­cal, but also fraught with per­sonal sad­ness.

So when Lucy spends the night with James,* a ‘poly dom,’ I try to put the whole thing out of my mind and fo­cus on look­ing af­ter the kids and get­ting a good night’s sleep. It works, for a few hours, but when she re­turns the next morn­ing I can’t help but ask her how it’s gone...

It turns out James had a ‘toy box’ from which Lucy chose a ‘hog-tie’ – wrist and an­kle re­straints that con­nect to a metal loop, keep­ing her legs and arms be­hind her back.

It’s too much for me to hear. I im­me­di­ately fly into a jeal­ous rage. While over the past few months I’ve largely come to terms with my wife sleep­ing with other men, kinky sex feels like a bridge too far.

When we first met, over 10 years ago, Lucy and I played around with bondage, dress­ing up and sex games. But, af­ter we had chil­dren, she went off all the kinky stuff, and we never quite man­aged to get that thrill back again – she told me she wasn’t into it any more. So now, the fact that she is into it again – only with some­one else – makes me feel re­jected.

Lucy tries to re­as­sure me that this is ac­tu­ally a good way for her to re­dis­cover kink. And, in fact, af­ter a few days of up­set, we do end up ex­plor­ing this side of our re­la­tion­ship for the first time in years, with her dress­ing up in a French maid’s out­fit she’d bought with her new lover in mind (but never used) and buy­ing some re­straints of her own.

The whole strange month comes to a fit­tingly com­pli­cated end. James backs off from Lucy be­cause he is get­ting jeal­ous of his pri­mary part­ner’s lover. Lucy meets an­other poly guy on a dat­ing app, whom she sleeps with once – but quite by chance he turns out to be James’s girl­friend’s poly lover, who is also mar­ried (I know, it’s hard to keep up). For a mo­ment, it feels like every­one in our lo­cal area is sleep­ing with every­one else and the ‘polyamorous com­mu­nity’ has taken over our town. But then, no sooner has it started, than the whole thing falls apart. Lucy de­cides that the sit­u­a­tion has be­come way too com­pli­cated and backs away. I’m glad, but I’m also left won­der­ing how much longer I’m go­ing to be able to keep my­self steady while rid­ing this polyamory roller-coaster.

The Polyamory Diaries

chron­i­cles one man’s re­luc­tant jour­ney into polyamory in or­der to save his mar­riage. Read the pre­vi­ous in­stal­ments at Cos­mopoli­tan. com/uk/polyamory-diaries

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