‘NOW OUR MARRIAGE IS OPEN IT’S HARD TO SEE HOW WE’D EVER GO BACK’
This month our columnist rediscovers kink
Every time I feel like I’m starting to get the hang of being polyamorous, this new lifestyle throws me another curveball. The latest one involves kinky sex – and it’s a lot harder to handle than I’d imagined.
While I am beginning to settle into a routine of regularly seeing my new girlfriend (we have sex most times we meet, in hotel rooms and sometimes in the back of my car), we agree that kinky games can wait until we’ve built up a little more trust. But my wife, Lucy,* is taking a different approach…
She is having more trouble than me finding a ‘non-primary’ relationship that lasts for more than a few weeks. However, there seems to be no shortage of men on dating apps who are quite willing to be completely upfront about the kind of sex they are into – and she admits she’s attracted to men who want to be dominant.
It shouldn’t really be a big surprise that polyamorous people are such ‘free-thinking individuals’, but nevertheless, I find myself feeling somewhat uncomfortable about my wife arranging a meeting with her latest interest, as he seems to be more of a ‘booty call’ than a romantic beginning.
Polyamory feels like Pandora’s Box: now our marriage is open, it’s hard to see how we might ever go back to closed monogamy. Still, I’ve come this far… I’m now falling for Nell,* so pulling the plug on the whole set-up just because I don’t like the sound of Lucy’s new boyfriend would not only be hypocritical, but also fraught with personal sadness.
So when Lucy spends the night with James,* a ‘poly dom,’ I try to put the whole thing out of my mind and focus on looking after the kids and getting a good night’s sleep. It works, for a few hours, but when she returns the next morning I can’t help but ask her how it’s gone...
It turns out James had a ‘toy box’ from which Lucy chose a ‘hog-tie’ – wrist and ankle restraints that connect to a metal loop, keeping her legs and arms behind her back.
It’s too much for me to hear. I immediately fly into a jealous rage. While over the past few months I’ve largely come to terms with my wife sleeping with other men, kinky sex feels like a bridge too far.
When we first met, over 10 years ago, Lucy and I played around with bondage, dressing up and sex games. But, after we had children, she went off all the kinky stuff, and we never quite managed to get that thrill back again – she told me she wasn’t into it any more. So now, the fact that she is into it again – only with someone else – makes me feel rejected.
Lucy tries to reassure me that this is actually a good way for her to rediscover kink. And, in fact, after a few days of upset, we do end up exploring this side of our relationship for the first time in years, with her dressing up in a French maid’s outfit she’d bought with her new lover in mind (but never used) and buying some restraints of her own.
The whole strange month comes to a fittingly complicated end. James backs off from Lucy because he is getting jealous of his primary partner’s lover. Lucy meets another poly guy on a dating app, whom she sleeps with once – but quite by chance he turns out to be James’s girlfriend’s poly lover, who is also married (I know, it’s hard to keep up). For a moment, it feels like everyone in our local area is sleeping with everyone else and the ‘polyamorous community’ has taken over our town. But then, no sooner has it started, than the whole thing falls apart. Lucy decides that the situation has become way too complicated and backs away. I’m glad, but I’m also left wondering how much longer I’m going to be able to keep myself steady while riding this polyamory roller-coaster.
The Polyamory Diaries
chronicles one man’s reluctant journey into polyamory in order to save his marriage. Read the previous instalments at Cosmopolitan. com/uk/polyamory-diaries