Cotswold Life - - INSIDER’S GUIDE -


Good evening, sir. Good evening, madam. Care to take a menu? So kind of you to pa­tro­n­ise our hum­ble lit­tle venue. It’s the very lat­est fash­ion in gas­tron­omy. The cannibal’s fast food carvery. Some restau­rants cook an­i­mals. We do homo sapi­ens, An ap­ple in his mouth and an­other at the other end. We’re here to serve peo­ple. We find it pays. In gen­eral, our gourmets don’t eat things which graze. Our take-away ser­vice is sec­ond to none, The best sell­ing burger we call bum-in-a-bun. Then there’s choose-your-own-car­cass, leg or breast, Just lop of the limb that you like the best. Who’s that slap-head try­ing to jump the queue? Col­lar him, brain him, dump him in the stew. Cus­tomers who come in here and don’t be­have Fre­quently end up in­side the mi­crowave. We do but­tocks-in-a-bas­ket, with a sprig of dill. We don’t know if you’ll like it, but we hope you will. It’s a favourite with our reg­u­lars for Sun­day lunch And one of them has chris­tened it his ‘plough­man’s haunch’ ! In a re­cent sur­vey of what guests like most It was boils-in-a-bag and warts on toast. Fri­c­as­see of fin­ger­nails, tasty but tough. We gar­nish them with eye­brows and belly-but­ton fluff. Look at this wait­ress spilling plates on the floor. She’d be more use in the caul­dron on Gas mark 4. Take them to the dust­bin and come back again, Quick Lor­raine, or you’ll be quiche lor­raine. We do nos­trils with noo­dles, nip­ples dipped in brine. The feet which trod the grapes which make our own house wine. We’ve got armpits in as­pic, eye­balls by the scoop, And you don’t want to know what’s in the cock-a-leekie soup. Ex­cuse me, sir. Stop kiss­ing that bird. She’s the dish of the day. This is quite ab­surd. How am I sup­posed to make a liveli­hood? I do wish peo­ple wouldn’t play with their food! • Peter Wyton works in the phar­macy of Glouces­ter­shire Royal Hos­pi­tal by day, but is also a pop­u­lar per­for­mance poet who reg­u­larly cel­e­brates the Cotswolds in his work. He also gives pre­sen­ta­tions to groups such as Probus, W.I. and U3A in the area. He can be con­tacted at pe­ter­wyton@hot­

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