Dom Joly

My mas­ter plan to make Sir Fran­cis the most fa­mous pig on the planet

Cotswold Life - - NEWS - Dom Joly con­tact @domjoly

Ihave been think­ing about the fu­ture. It seems to me that a man of my age can­not rely on be­ing a teen idol for much longer. Sure, the level of de­vo­tion to my work is pretty ex­tra­or­di­nary – hordes of scream­ing kids out­side the farm gate plead­ing for me to come out in a squir­rel cos­tume is very flat­ter­ing. But it has to end one day, and I need to look ahead.

I feel that Sir Fran­cis Ba­con, one of my pigs, is the fu­ture. I have de­cided to spend a year mak­ing Sir Fran­cis the most fa­mous pig on the planet. The rea­son I have cho­sen Sir Fran­cis over my other pig, Stan­ley, is that I worry that Stan­ley does not have the right tem­per­a­ment to sur­vive the ex­tra­or­di­nary rigours of a showbiz life. Stan­ley is a quiet, kind pig and has no truck with the shal­low mask of fame. Sir Fran­cis, on the other hand, was born to be a star. He is a Kune Kune and so has cu­ri­ous chin nipples, some­thing that al­ready puts him streets ahead of the cute but dull pigs cur­rently dom­i­nat­ing the in­ter­net.

The idea came to me when I re­alised that any video I posted of Sir Fran­cis would gar­ner way more views than even the most per­fectly honed and crafted of my com­edy clips. Peo­ple love pig videos and I feel that I must bow to pub­lic pres­sure and give them what they want. So, I’m go­ing to make a show de­mon­strat­ing how to take a pig from zero to hero in a year. My goal is to try and get him one mil­lion fol­low­ers and I’m go­ing to use every trick in the book. I’ll start small with some ‘cutesy’ clips – maybe some­thing with him in some cos­tumes, pos­si­bly a range of hats? Peo­ple seem to love pigs in hats. Then I’d ramp the thing up once I’d got­ten peo­ple’s at­ten­tion.

I could start by leak­ing a story in which it turned out that Sir Fran­cis had se­cretly been vis­it­ing re­tire­ment homes and danc­ing for their plea­sure. Then I’d need to target the Ja­panese mar­ket as they are the big play­ers on the fa­mous an­i­mal scene. I thought that I might be able to bor­row some Ja­panese stu­dents from my daugh­ter’s school and bring them to the farm and film them go­ing crazy over Sir Fran­cis. Once this Asian wave of Pig­ma­nia hits the in­ter­net then it should be plain sail­ing.

I an­tic­i­pate that I can get Sir Fran­cis to turn on the Chel­tenham Christ­mas lights (some­thing that has al­ways eluded my grasp) then move him onto open­ing the Har­rods Sale. The world will be his oys­ter. We could have a we­b­cam put into his sty and fans could watch Sir Fran­cis learn to play the sax­o­phone, mas­ter chess and try his trot­ters at paint­ing.

By this stage I should be se­ri­ously mon­etis­ing this project – we’d need spon­sors – we’d be very se­lec­tive – noth­ing like Spam or any ba­con com­pa­nies. I’d be look­ing more in the area of lux­ury travel brands. Maybe we could get Sir Fran­cis to go hang out with those pigs that swim in the sea on an is­land in the Ba­hamas? Ob­vi­ously, I’d have to go with him as his man­ager, but th­ese are the sort of sac­ri­fices one has to make when work­ing to­wards a goal. Maybe I’m miss­ing a trick? I could find a global air­line to work with? Show Sir Fran­cis lording it in lux­ury in First Class (again, I’d have to ac­com­pany him – it gets lonely on the road) with a slo­gan like “turns out that pigs can fly.”

I’m very ex­cited about this project. I think that it could se­cure me fi­nan­cially for my re­tire­ment. I just worry that Sir Fran­cis might be­come a bit full of him­self. He has that kind of char­ac­ter and it could all kick off between him and Stan­ley. But th­ese are just risks I’m go­ing to have to take. Ex­pe­ri­ence has taught me that, to get on in showbiz you need to be ruth­less, driven and be a pig.

Trust me, this time next year Sir Fran­cis Ba­con will dom­i­nate the en­ter­tain­ment in­dus­try. God, I love it when a plan comes to­gether.

Sir Fran­cis, the su­per­star Kune Kune

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.