My master plan to make Sir Francis the most famous pig on the planet
Ihave been thinking about the future. It seems to me that a man of my age cannot rely on being a teen idol for much longer. Sure, the level of devotion to my work is pretty extraordinary – hordes of screaming kids outside the farm gate pleading for me to come out in a squirrel costume is very flattering. But it has to end one day, and I need to look ahead.
I feel that Sir Francis Bacon, one of my pigs, is the future. I have decided to spend a year making Sir Francis the most famous pig on the planet. The reason I have chosen Sir Francis over my other pig, Stanley, is that I worry that Stanley does not have the right temperament to survive the extraordinary rigours of a showbiz life. Stanley is a quiet, kind pig and has no truck with the shallow mask of fame. Sir Francis, on the other hand, was born to be a star. He is a Kune Kune and so has curious chin nipples, something that already puts him streets ahead of the cute but dull pigs currently dominating the internet.
The idea came to me when I realised that any video I posted of Sir Francis would garner way more views than even the most perfectly honed and crafted of my comedy clips. People love pig videos and I feel that I must bow to public pressure and give them what they want. So, I’m going to make a show demonstrating how to take a pig from zero to hero in a year. My goal is to try and get him one million followers and I’m going to use every trick in the book. I’ll start small with some ‘cutesy’ clips – maybe something with him in some costumes, possibly a range of hats? People seem to love pigs in hats. Then I’d ramp the thing up once I’d gotten people’s attention.
I could start by leaking a story in which it turned out that Sir Francis had secretly been visiting retirement homes and dancing for their pleasure. Then I’d need to target the Japanese market as they are the big players on the famous animal scene. I thought that I might be able to borrow some Japanese students from my daughter’s school and bring them to the farm and film them going crazy over Sir Francis. Once this Asian wave of Pigmania hits the internet then it should be plain sailing.
I anticipate that I can get Sir Francis to turn on the Cheltenham Christmas lights (something that has always eluded my grasp) then move him onto opening the Harrods Sale. The world will be his oyster. We could have a webcam put into his sty and fans could watch Sir Francis learn to play the saxophone, master chess and try his trotters at painting.
By this stage I should be seriously monetising this project – we’d need sponsors – we’d be very selective – nothing like Spam or any bacon companies. I’d be looking more in the area of luxury travel brands. Maybe we could get Sir Francis to go hang out with those pigs that swim in the sea on an island in the Bahamas? Obviously, I’d have to go with him as his manager, but these are the sort of sacrifices one has to make when working towards a goal. Maybe I’m missing a trick? I could find a global airline to work with? Show Sir Francis lording it in luxury in First Class (again, I’d have to accompany him – it gets lonely on the road) with a slogan like “turns out that pigs can fly.”
I’m very excited about this project. I think that it could secure me financially for my retirement. I just worry that Sir Francis might become a bit full of himself. He has that kind of character and it could all kick off between him and Stanley. But these are just risks I’m going to have to take. Experience has taught me that, to get on in showbiz you need to be ruthless, driven and be a pig.
Trust me, this time next year Sir Francis Bacon will dominate the entertainment industry. God, I love it when a plan comes together.
Sir Francis, the superstar Kune Kune