Ring-a-ding-ding

QI have a horrible feeling that my boyfriend is going to propose. He’s a lovely chap, but I’m fairly sure he’s not the one. How can I avoid the situation completely—or, if worst comes to worst, turn him down?

E. S., Devon

AI can’t believe what I’m hearing! The poor man. And you say, albeit with towering condescension, that he’s a ‘lovely chap’? Fair cruelty, have you the faintest notion what you are putting him through? Gearing up to propose is crucifyingly traumatic for a fellow—far worse than it is for the deadlier of the species—with all the swerving through the chicanes of jewellers and paternal horsewhips, not to mention the derision of his bachelor friends. Who do you think you are—turandot?

Send me his address—he’s at a premium and I have a long waiting list. Really, I do feel sometimes that the pendulum has swung too far. Much more of this attitude and you’ll find that ‘the one’ has dwindled to ‘the none’. You’re horrid. Go away.