Love a good episode!

Crime Scene - - CONTENTS - By MARK BEAU­MONT

AUC­TION ROOM, DAY

Love­joy is study­ing an­tiques when he’s ap­proached by his Rich Slimy Land­lord

RICH SLIMY LAND­LORD:

You’re pay­ing a lot of at­ten­tion to that in­nocu­ous an­tique that won’t play a large role in the episode, Love­joy. I just hope you make a lot of money on it be­cause, de­spite mak­ing healthy four-fig­ure prof­its on dodgy deals every week since 1986, you still owe me four months’ rent, and look, here comes an­other of your happy cus­tomers.

[An­gry Man Wav­ing A Plate ar­rives]

AN­GRY MAN WAV­ING A PLATE:

Love­joy! You sold me this plate as a price­less Ja­cobean piece then, af­ter I’d mind­lessly paid a hand­some sum for it, I turned it over and it has a pic­ture of Charles and Diana. I’m gonna flat­ten you!

LOVE­JOY:

Look, look, both of you, as you know I’m a prize divvy – a phrase in the an­tique world for some­one who can al­most su­per­nat­u­rally sense valu­able an­tiques, not the pre­wa­ter­shed in­sult – and this vase here is worth five times what I owe you both, so how about I cut you in on the deal?

RICH SLIMY LAND­LORD:

De­spite be­ing conned in this same way every week, Love­joy, you’re on. We’ll go away for pre­cisely 47 min­utes.

LOVE­JOY:

[To cam­era] I’ll just break the fourth wall now to fill in all the crum­pet-bloated Sun­day night nans who aren’t con­cen­trat­ing. See, the vase isn’t the valu­able thing here, it’s that worth­less-look­ing tramp’s san­dal over there, which was ac­tu­ally worn by Herod and is worth £17 mil­lion. But that posh slimy stranger we’ve never seen be­fore is look­ing in­ter­ested.

POSH SLIMY STRANGER:

Greet­ings, I’m a stranger in this charm­ing Suf­folk mar­ket town look­ing to com­plete my col­lec­tion of tramp’s san­dals. This is a par­tic­u­larly in­ter­est­ing spec­i­men…

LOVE­JOY:

[To cam­era]

This calls for the help of my com­edy as­sis­tants and the posh woman I never get to snog, de­spite be­ing Suf­folk’s most renowned wom­an­iser.

DRUNK OLD COM­EDY AS­SIS­TANT:

I’ll dis­tract them with my drunken an­tics, dear boy.

YOUNG ROCK COM­EDY AS­SIS­TANT:

I’ll do air gui­tar to put them off.

POSH WOMAN HE NEVER GETS TO SNOG:

I’ll pre­tend to be your wife again.

[Love­joy’s as­sis­tants get drunk, do air gui­tar and pre­tend to be his wife again, dis­tract­ing the stranger from the auc­tion]

AUC­TION­EER:

This worth­less tramp’s san­dal that no one’s in­ter­ested in, sold to Love­joy for 12 pence!

[The stranger fol­lows Love­joy to his rub­bish car, look­ing slimy]

LOVE­JOY’S WORK­SHOP, DAY

LOVE­JOY:

Damn, I got it wrong, this is just a tramp’s san­dal! How will I pay ev­ery­one back? Now to sleep in my work­shop, since I’m in­ex­pli­ca­bly poor for an an­tiques ge­nius.

[He throws the san­dal across the room, and a piece of pa­per falls out of the lin­ing]

LOVE­JOY’S WORK­SHOP, NIGHT

A shad­owy fig­ure with a torch breaks in through a win­dow and hunts around the work­shop. Love­joy wakes up and chases them away while bran­dish­ing a knocked-off Ed­war­dian can­dle­stick.

LOVE­JOY:

Damn bur­glars again! Why do they only ever take the cu­ri­ous but worth­less items? Look, this time they’ve left ev­ery­thing apart from the tramp’s san­dal. Hang on, what’s this?

[Love­joy picks up the piece of pa­per]

LOVE­JOY:

This is a map to the lo­ca­tion of the myth­i­cal an­tique known as The Pompously Ti­tled Arte­fact. This was what the stranger was af­ter all along! We must track it down at once! Right af­ter I’ve spo­ken to some more posh peo­ple about sell­ing them The Pompously Ti­tled Arte­fact for 10 min­utes, in or­der to pad out the episode.

LONDON AUC­TION HOUSE, DAY

Love­joy meets a posh an­tique dealer

LOVE­JOY:

If I can find The Pompously Ti­tled Arte­fact, would you buy it from me at gar­gan­tuan cost?

POSH AN­TIQUE DEALER:

Yes. You see, Love­joy, this bit of the pro­gramme could re­ally be a lot quicker.

LOVE­JOY:

Hmmm, okay, I’m just off to do a bit of sub-plot dou­ble-deal­ing with a shady old ac­quain­tance from my prison days, to bol­ster my lov­able rogue rep­u­ta­tion, then I’ll be right back for the ac­tion fi­nale.

A DE­SERTED SUF­FOLK FARM­HOUSE, DAY

Love­joy is com­i­cally get­ting his com­edy as­sis­tants to dig up the farm­yard

LOVE­JOY:

Lucky the map led us to a nearby lo­ca­tion within bud­get.

YOUNG ROCK COM­EDY AS­SIS­TANT:

Any more of this me­nial work and I swear I’ll leave to start di­rect­ing Eas­ten­ders.

DRUNK OLD COM­EDY AS­SIS­TANT:

Dear boy, could you get me a part as con­man Wil­fred Atkins? Hic!

LOVE­JOY:

A-ha! Let’s see what we have here!

[Love­joy un­wraps The Pompously Ti­tled Arte­fact his as­sis­tants have dug up. Ev­ery­one crowds around in awe, like when they open the suit­case in Pulp Fic­tion]

POSH SLIMY STRANGER:

[Wav­ing a gun] I’ll take that! It was sup­posed to have been my in­her­i­tance but some com­pli­cated crim­i­nal fam­ily mat­ters meant it was in­stead buried in a ditch in Suf­folk.

LOVE­JOY:

[To cam­era] Isn’t it amaz­ing that I never ac­tu­ally look both­ered when­ever my life is in im­me­di­ate danger?

[Posh Woman He Never Gets To Snog ap­pears be­hind the Posh Slimy Stranger and wal­lops him un­con­scious with the An­gry Man’s Charles and Diana plate]

LOVE­JOY:

Ex­cel­lent work! Now let’s sell this Pompously Ti­tled Arte­fact for an inor­di­nate sum, and then some­how man­age to lose it all in vague off-screen cir­cum­stances. Fancy a snog?

POSH WOMAN HE NEVER GETS TO SNOG:

Maybe next week.

RICH SLIMY LAND­LORD AND AN­GRY MAN:

Love­joy!

[Love­joy legs it]

Spot the an­tique... (Cheap jibe no. 4 in a se­ries. ol­lectc ’em all!)

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