Boris leapt into his 99 like a seal jumping off a diving board
ON A hot day in Eastbourne, Boris Johnson gratefully sank his chops into a 99 cornet. Boris had been campaigning on the seafront and he was overheating. ‘Ah, a proper ice cream,’ he gasped.
Splosh! it was like seeing a seal jump off a diving board. in he went. Vanilla ice cream was soon all over Boris’s cheeks, nose and hands.
‘it’s melting faster than Jeremy Corbyn under close analysis,’ he complained.
June had arrived and our Foreign Secretary was in clover, bowling along the Sussex promenade as he handed out leaflets for Tory candidate Caroline Ansell.
Former teacher Mrs Ansell, 46, won the seat from the Lib Dems in 2015 and was proving an able MP. But the Lib Dems are fighting hard, even though Eastbourne last year voted to leave the Eu and the Lib Dems are manically pro-Brussels.
‘You’re a Poundshop Donald Trump!’ yelled a man driving past. Another illwisher in a high-revving black car shouted ‘**** off, you Tory!’ But a Blockbusters Drainage and Plumbing van gave an encouraging toot.
As Boris unveiled a Tory poster about Brexit, a knot of Lib Dem supporters started a chorus of abuse. Boris dismissed it as ‘the cachinnations of cockatoos’.
A woman wanted schools funding to be less ring-fenced. An elderly gent was upset about the Tories’ proposed easing of the triple-lock for pensions.
The owners of the East Beach hotel – who offered Boris an array of chocolate eclairs – wanted VAT on hotel bills reduced. Boris was tempted, by both the eclairs and the lower VAT idea. SHEiLA
and Michael Burman, visiting from Romford, Essex, said Theresa May was right to avoid the BBC’s fractious television debate. ‘ We’re sick of the backbiting and just want to hear the policies,’ said Mrs Burman, 66. They urged Boris to stick to his guns. After that ice cream, he was likely to stick to anything.
A local BBC TV reporter – beard, suede shoes, white jeans – claimed people in the South East would feel ‘insulted’ that Mrs May had avoided the debate show.
‘i much admired the cacophany of Lefties you organised last night,’ Boris told him in jocular vein.
From an Eastbourne College building site, a gang of construction workers cheered Boris from their scaffolding and waved their hard hats.
The staff of a tattoo parlour – barely an inch of flesh not inked – came out for selfies. Old geezers tottered up and said ‘attaboy’.
But a Labour woman outside the Poppyseed Bakery muttered into her lunch that she wanted to be left alone: Garbo with a coleslaw bap.
We bumped into the Labour candidate, a polite lad called Jake, delighted to meet Boris. Lifeguards Milly Pamment, 19, and Alex Goble, 20, would not commit to supporting the Tories but laughed when Boris asked: ‘Have you had to rescue anyone today – Jeremy Corbyn out of his depth?’
Coffee shop worker Lucy, 21, had not decided how to vote but Boris could swing it for her. JACqui
Pinyoun, 67, and her husband John, 71, said it was ‘ a bit worrying’ that Mr Corbyn was rising in the polls. ‘ The Brexit talks start just after the election and we hate to think of him negotiating for us.’
A 50- something man in a Panama hat came over all sarcastic and said ‘thanks for getting us in this marvellous mess, Boris’. He had been a Remain voter, one gathered. An old bloke with not many teeth said ‘vote for Basil Brush!’ and Boris briefly took this up as his new slogan. The strike on Southern Rail – which has damaged Eastbourne’s economy – was also mentioned.
And at the end of an exhausting two hours, Boris met Holocaust survivor (and former German pop star) Dorit Oliver-Wolff, who was about to travel to Buckingham Palace to meet the queen. She generally approved of Boris – ‘i like someone who’s outspoken’.
Of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party, much riven by antiSemitism, she said simply: ‘There’s no smoke without fire.’