Daily Mail

I can’t stop hurting my boyfriends

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DEAR BEL

I AM 25 and from India. I first started dating when I was 17 but, after a year, it became a long-distance relationsh­ip and things didn’t work out.

I left him and, after our break-up, started to have feelings for one of my friends, and we decided to give it a try.

That relationsh­ip lasted about four years, but also became long distance.

In the beginning, I was pretty sure I’d marry him, but later realised I didn’t want to end up with a guy like him. So I called it off.

He is very hurt. More than a year on, he still loves me.

After that, I met another guy and we shared physical intimacy for a while, but that’s it.

I made that clear in the beginning, but he has feelings I don’t share. He’s perfect in every sense and upset that I just want friendship. We don’t talk a lot — and it’s been almost six months.

Two months ago, I met another guy — nice and attractive. Things are happening but, soon, I’ll leave my town and I don’t want another longdistan­ce relationsh­ip.

I don’t know whether I love this man, but I care for him and don’t want to hurt him.

Writing this makes me realise I want to be loved for every single minute of my life.

I have hurt all my ex-boyfriends and I really feel guilty for that. So I don’t know what to do about this one. ABINA

Yes, the act of composing a letter can be therapeuti­c, leaving you with insights you didn’t have when you first started writing. I rejoice that an advice column can spark self-knowledge. Here, a relatively simple problem has led you towards an awareness of a deep-seated unhealthy need.

On the surface, many women may envy you. You’re probably young and attractive — why else would these guys fall for you? You may still be in India (or anywhere else) but there is nothing culturally different in your problem, Abina, is there?

Many women (and men, of course) who are very attractive to the opposite gender can stride through life taking love and sex where they find them. To me, there’s nothing morally wrong with such a confident exercise of freedom. Unless . . . (yes) people get hurt. Which they do.

You wouldn’t have written if you felt triumphant and happy about your conquests. The trouble is, freedom is always exercised at a cost.

You are feeling guilt for trailing destructio­n in your wake, for leading these men on so they feel they have a real chance of a proper relationsh­ip with you, only to be ditched and disappoint­ed. If you were hard-hearted, you wouldn’t care. Whereas you are now worrying about your ex-boyfriends’ feelings.

so what’s the way forward? For a start, think about what’s within you that makes you lurch from relationsh­ip to relationsh­ip. Where does the need come from? Is it the thrill of conquest and a wish to be adored bordering on narcissism? You say you ‘want to be loved for every single minute of my life’ — but you must realise this is simply not possible.

A mature understand­ing of what love is must involve an awareness of the way it changes. so a long marriage may begin with hot passion, morph into romantic adoration, degenerate into fights then slowly shift to everyday love, and then change again into a comfortabl­e friendship.

If you’re only excited by passion and/or romantic adoration, then I fear you may be doomed to be alone at some stage in the future. supposing you were to look into the mirror and reflect on what you see. Do you like her? Do you understand her?

It might be wise for you to be selfsuffic­ient for a while — to concentrat­e on friendship­s and work while imposing a moratorium on sexual relationsh­ips.

You may have hurt all those guys, but have not made yourself happy. so stop. Get to know yourself and you might find yourself worthy to understand the man who could make you happy in future.

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