Can I trust my husband when his flirting is like a stab in the heart?

DEAR BEL,

I’M IN my 50s, in a long marriage with almost grown-up children, similar interests, a good physical relationship and plans for the future. But every now and again I have been hurt by my husband’s dealings with other women.

I’ll emphasise that these episodes have been few and far between over years. When we were newly married he had a monthly squash game and dinner — allegedly with a friend, but actually with one of the pretty secretaries.

I haven’t laid down some archaic law that he can’t go out with another woman ever, but he made himself look guilty by pretending it was with someone else. I was deeply upset to find out.

A mutual acquaintance he’d always flirted with (and I didn’t mind) also showed me texts from him. She was worried it had gone a bit over the top. I said I didn’t want him to arrange drinks or dinner with a woman alone unless I knew, as he couldn’t be trusted not to be suggestive.

A few years later he got into trouble at work for sending flirty texts to a colleague who didn’t like them. I got paranoid and searched his phone and Facebook and found a few messages that annoyed me.

This is making him sound creepy, but actually he is naturally chatty, kind and easy-going. I had a go at him, explaining that although I believe none of these was ever intended to turn into an affair, they hurt me. He continually reassures me that I am the only one, so he’ll stop flirting if it upsets me. And he does . . . for a while.

Recently I was feeling insecure about his behaviour with someone else, and we tried to make new ground rules. He admitted he’d been going out (every few months for years) for dinner and drinks with another female colleague.

I asked to see their emails. He sent me one which seemed a bit disjointed. I checked his phone and saw the bits he’d censored — nothing to suggest sex, but innuendos and even a discussion of our sex life, which really annoyed me.

For the first time I thought about leaving — not because I don’t love him but because little betrayals are painful. The worrying affects my self-esteem, making me go from being easy-going to suspicious and needy, which I hate.

My husband and this latest woman still work in the same office. I have asked him to stick to friendly conversation, but still find it almost impossible to trust him. He’s 60, so can’t change jobs. Some might say that he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? ANTONIA

WHEN I read this it was just before this week’s news report on how the genders define cheating. An online survey threw up some interesting (if, to me, predictable) results. For example, 41 per cent of those between 16 and 24 thought flirting was a form of cheating, compared with about 30 per cent of older respondents.

And — guess what? — far more women than men consider that a serious snog and exchanging sexy emails or texts can be defined as being unfaithful. So you see, many people would not accuse you of ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ but would actually probably take your side.

I always say that if you go to lunch with an attractive work colleague and keep it a secret from your partner, there’s something a tad wrong.

The betrayal is in the evasion. If it happens more than once then there is definitely something dodgy about the ‘date’ — if not, why would you deceive?

Of course, somebody married to a neurotically jealous person will reply: ‘Because my life would be made miserable’ — and I understand that. Keeping the peace is a reason to keep quiet.

But leaving acute jealousy aside, if the secrecy is due to heightened excitement (surely the case here) then the flirt has to ask himself/ herself what’s really going on. People might prefer me to tell you soothingly it’s all harmless fun so don’t worry.

But as someone who made many mistakes during my long, first marriage (well matched by my husband . . .) I can assure you the behaviour you describe causes cracks within the structure of a relationship.

These cracks widen in time, further damaged by frost and rain, until one day the building completely tumbles down.

Your husband has played a dangerous game, and I fear his age is likely to inflame matters. A married man of 60, yearning for lost youth and love affairs not enjoyed, is likely to become restless, and his flirtatiousness is almost certain to get worse. I think you are right to be wary.

You love your husband, and I’m sure he loves you and would be devastated if you left. Your children would be furious with him on discovering why. So please don’t let things get to that stage, but insist on more discussion — because this careless man needs to take you more seriously.

Why not ask him to accompany you to some sessions with Relate ( relate.org.uk) in order to talk through this problem, which is making you so insecure and miserable? Given the history, he surely owes you this — and it would be useful to analyse why he needs to flirt. Tell him he must listen — if he wants to save the marriage. I believe he will.