I’ve reinvented myself – and my family hate it

novelIst, grandmother of four and former Blue Peter presenter Janet ellis, 61, answers your questions . . .

QSINCE the loss of my husband two years ago, I have completely changed my life . The problem is, my family don’t like the new me. At the time, it felt as if my world was falling apart. I was only 52 and I didn’t really know who I was without him: we had married young, I’d never really worked and we always did everything together.

It was the first time I’d had to stand on my own two feet and it was terrifying. But I managed to find a part-time job and ended up discovering a whole new lease of life — new friends, a purpose and more confidence than ever.

I have now joined a choir and I’m even planning a solo trip around Europe.

My family don’t know what’s come over me! They say I’ve gone mad but I think they are also hurt that I’ve moved on so fast.

How can I get them to accept the new me?

AI’m so impressed by your attitude. It takes immense bravery to pick yourself up after such a devastating loss. Not only have you got back out there but you’ve taken risks and done things you’d never dreamt of before. many congratulations.

Of course, I’m meeting you for the first time. I haven’t had to watch you struggle in the early days or grieve with you for your husband’s too- early demise. I haven’t had to provide a shoulder for you to cry on or encourage you to move on.

Your family has been through all that with you, though, and after only two years it probably still feels raw. There is no time limit on sadness — or on recovery. I’m sure your family don’t think you should still be mired in grief. I have no doubt they have your best interests at heart and would hate to hold you back or prolong your pain. But their unenthusiastic response may be because you have left them behind — when you struck out for pastures new, you left them without a role. Everything you’re telling them about your life now — your job, your hobbies and your friends — is yours alone and doesn’t include them. If you think back to the months when you were newly bereaved, did they rally round? Both your late husband’s family and yours will have been devastated by losing him, too. You are obviously still close to them — but it may be that in focusing so much on the road ahead, you have forgotten your former travelling companions. You don’t have to apologise for what you’ve done: it’s wonderful you feel so fulfilled. But I suggest you gently start connecting the two sides of your life. While there’s no need to invite anyone on holiday with you, you could ask them for advice about routes and where to stay. Similarly, why not ask them along when your choir has its next concert? I expect they are a large part of the reason you’re able to enjoy life again. Do tell them so.