My jealous girl is tearing us apart
DEAR BEL I HAVE a daughter of 43 from my first marriage. Her father and I separated when she was four, and ultimately she was raised by him, and not me.
My second husband and I have been together since she was six. Their relationship has always been rather strained because of my daughter’s jealousy and possessiveness.
In 2012 her husband committed suicide, then in 2015 her new partner died of heart failure.
Her sister (my second daughter) died in 2013. So she really has suffered an enormous amount of heartbreak.
However, she has always been possessive over me — to the extent that she has no friends or other people with whom she can spend time. She isn’t easy company because of her excessive drinking and antisocial behaviour.
I stress that I love her very much and have been supportive when she has been unable (because of the drinking) to care for herself or her home. She has a son of 17 who does not wish to spend time with her. My daughter has now given me an ultimatum. I must choose between her or my husband of 37 years. I’ve been meeting her on my own to try to diffuse this situation by giving her my undivided attention.
I’m now at the end of my tether, patience and understanding. I love my husband very much and I intend to stay with him.
But I don’t want to lose either of them.
What should I do? LORRAINE
FOrgIVe me, but I can’t help wondering how much of your love for, and attention to, this very unhappy and difficult woman stems from guilt. I suspect it will be impossible for you to decide how to go forward without untangling your own complicated feelings about the past. The catch-all ‘Love’ often feels inadequate when I read the outline of a situation like this.
You don’t tell me why your daughter was brought up by your former husband, but this raises questions.
Surely we are looking at the roots of her neediness, as well as her dislike of your second husband? Did she feel you didn’t want her? Did a new man in your life foster terrible insecurity or resentment in the little girl? Were you so wrapped up with him that, in truth, you had little time for your child?
What was your ex-husband’s attitude towards your new love (or was he actually in your life at the time of the split?), and did he communicate his feelings to your daughter?
She may have been even more jealous when you had another daughter. I’m sorry to bombard you with questions, but believe you have to work your way through them. Two more important issues are whether you have discussed the past in detail with your daughter and/or encouraged her to have counselling for her problems.
Her drinking and unspecified ‘antisocial behaviour’ are indications of deep-seated anger and unhappiness — psychological problems that require help. The fact that she has no friends, and that her own son wants nothing to do with her, suggest a disturbed individual.
She knows she can’t force you to give up your husband; nevertheless, you are right to listen to this cry for help. You must be calm and tough. You need to bat her ultimatum back and say you will go on loving and supporting her, but only if she seeks help.
This is your job. If you can pay for counselling, so much the better. The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy has a useful list at
itsgoodtotalk.org.uk, and you could also investigate Alcoholics Anonymous.
I would also like to know whether she had any help in coping with her bereavements. Try Cruse bereavement care for ideas of how to help with this issue. Surely your grandson needs support, too? Look at the relate website to investigate its excellent services for young people. It’s time to take charge.