Yes, dolphins gossip — but can they text?

Do dolphins gossip? This is just one of the many fascinating questions raised by a group of scientists from Manchester University.

The scientists have noticed that dolphins employ individual ‘signature whistles’ with which to greet each other.

‘A specific call is used as a greeting every time an individual arrives,’ says Dr Susanne Shultz, a leading evolutionary biologist. ‘However, what is really fascinating is that a call that refers to an individual is sometimes used when they are not there, suggesting that dolphins may gossip about each other.’

When dolphins gossip, what do they gossip about? I hope that Dr Shultz and her team are going to tackle this vital question in their next report.

Popular noises emitted by human beings the moment a fellow human being has left the room include: ‘Did you see what she was wearing?!’; ‘You’ll never guess who he’s been seeing’; ‘ Who does he think he is?’; ‘Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning’; and ‘I’m sorry, but I never believe a word she says.’

No doubt dolphins say much the same sort of thing about each other, though when it comes to gossip they have one great drawback. Whereas human beings can start gossiping about someone the moment they have left the room and shut the door, dolphins have no rooms — and consequently no doors.

Worse, the average dolphin can hear the chatter of other dolphins from a distance of up to five miles. Since dolphins swim at a speed of roughly five miles an hour, this means it would take at least an hour after a particular dolphin — let’s call her Maureen — had said her goodbyes before all the other dolphins would feel safe to start bitching about her.

And how would they know that Maureen wasn’t just remaining as quiet as a mouse, lurking behind a rock three or four miles away, seeking to eavesdrop on their mean-spirited conversation? of course, to human beings, dolphins are all smiles. But then we’ll never know what they’re saying behind our backs.

or will we? one day, will Dr Shultz and her team of Manchester boffins finally crack the strange click-based language of dolphins? When that day comes, and Dolphin-to-English and English- to-Dolphin dictionaries are two-a-penny, I dread to think what she’ll find they are saying about her.

‘That Dr Shultz. She thinks she’s so clever. But she can’t even spout water from a blowhole!’

‘OMG! Don’t tell anybody, but Dr Shultz thinks she’s Maureen’s best friend and she still doesn’t have a clue that Maureen just finds her amazingly irritating!’

Dr Shultz and her team have also discovered that with their exceptionally large and sophisticated brains, dolphins may be almost as clever as human beings.

For instance, it has been known for some time that they sing songs, while researchers have documented fads and trends in their music that are passed from one group to another and change over the years. Might there be a dolphin Wagner, or a dolphin Mozart somewhere in the sea? or — just as likely — might five outof-work dolphins have got together to form a dolphin Bay City Rollers, complete with tartan scarves, and calf-length tartan trousers specially tailored to the more demanding dolphin physique?

If, as Dr Shultz says, dolphins are faddish in their musical appreciation, everything suggests they will have succumbed to the current craze for Ed Sheeran. From some angles, Sheeran looks just like a dolphin, so, with clever marketing, he might well have already topped the dolphin hit-parade, leading to a string of Ed Sheeran tribute acts in the dolphin community.

SUSANNE SHULTZ argues that the only thing holding dolphins back from creating a civilisation much like our own is that they don’t have fingers and thumbs.

‘Unfortunately, they won’t ever mimic our great metropolises and technologies because they didn’t evolve opposable thumbs,’ she says. ‘But I would argue that they have the cognitive ability to make tools and possibly more. However, we will never really know what they could have done with fingers and thumbs.’

Their lack of fingers and thumbs has prevented dolphins from constructing our own creature-comforts. Marine biologists have so far discovered no dolphin popup toasters and no dolphin electric blankets. But at least this means they have been spared our own domination by the mobile phone. If dolphins could text, just think what they would text about us.