A TASTE OF HIS TATTIFILARIOUS GAGS

MY DAD knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said: ‘Is this a joke?’

DID you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

SO IT turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.

I Told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

HONOLULU’S got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. I Haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. FIVE-THIRDS of people have trouble understanding fractions. MY Teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them.

SHE was a big girl — she could stir-fry a leg of lamb. She tried the ‘speak your weight’ machine. It said: ‘To be continued.’ I Have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

MY ACT is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.’ How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

JUST read a book about Stockholm Syndrome — it started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

WHAT a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letter box and shouting: ‘Help, help, the Martians have landed.’

I WOULDN’T part with my teeth. I’m the only patient who can sit in the dentist’s waiting room and have his teeth checked in the surgery.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? nobody knows — it’s never been done before.