Help! My son treats my home like a B&B

NOVELIST, grandmother of four and ex-Blue Peter presenter, Janet ellis, 62, answers your questions . . .

QMY 19-YEAR-OLD son is earning £ 2,000 a month. He lives with me in my threebedroom flat, but has refused to contribute to home expenses, eats all my food, and treats our home like a bed-and-breakfast.

I am in my late 50s, work fulltime and spend all I earn on paying the monthly bills. To make matters worse, I still have to tidy up after him! He spends all his money on himself and his friends.

Feeling unfairly treated, I have tried politely to raise this with him — suggesting he could contribute £200 towards living costs each month. However, he has refused. I am at the end of my tether. What can I do?

AYOu could sling him out, couldn’t you? Of course you won’t — and you don’t want to, either. Despite his bad habits and thoughtlessness, you obviously love him very much.

You probably enjoy his company when it’s not a source of annoyance. You’re rightly proud of him, too. He’s got it all, hasn’t he?

Not going to university has worked out well for him — he’s got loads of disposable income and you still tidy up after him, despite his refusal to contribute.

I suspect your ‘polite’ suggestion that he help with the finances wasn’t hard-hitting and, in the logic of the still-teenager, he’ll reason that if you managed Ok before he started earning, then you don’t really need any more cash now.

I’m wondering if this isn’t an occasion to try to outsource your problem. It’s difficult to switch from caring parent to hard-nosed landlady mentioning a load of expenses he’s probably never heard of before.

You wouldn’t be the last person who’d secretly like to protect your child from the details of your personal economics. This is where caring relatives, friends, or perhaps those godparents you might have appointed, come in useful.

Someone needs to point out how little time he’s got left in this situation. unless he intends to live with you for ever, he’ll be thinking of moving out within a matter of years. He’ll need to think about budgeting.

Your ambassador can ask him about his plans while telling him that doubling the adult expenditure in your household without chipping in isn’t on. If there’s no one who can intercede, you’ll have to do it yourself.

This is a conversation about being an adult. explain to him that along with the enjoyable partying comes responsibility. He needs to understand that you enjoy the former all the more if you accept the latter!

Whoever speaks to him needs to praise his achievements and say that contributing is another badge of honour, not a burden.

At the heart of this dilemma is a mutual reluctance to admit that this bright, ambitious boy is rapidly becoming more your equal than your dependant.

You both need to accept that he’s old enough to have a more grown-up attitude to sharing a home with you.

If you have a question for Janet, please email it to janetellis@dailymail.co.uk