How the myth of the Supermum is making mothers sick with anxiety

Everyone knows a Supermum, or at least we think we do. She’s the woman who had an effortless natural birth; whose adorable children ace every test at school; who is always flawlessly turned out.

In short, she makes motherhood look easy — and that’s why she’s so dangerous.

Because there’s nothing so calculated to make another woman feel inadequate and unhappy as living in the shadow of this image of perfection.

The truth is Supermum is a monster — and she’s none the less harmful for being a monster of our own making.

Because of course, no mother’s life is that easy. no one really gets it right every time. But when you’re feeling vulnerable, worried or uncertain, it’s all too easy to look at the woman next to you and assume she’s got it all figured out.

That’s how the ‘Supermum myth’ started — and it’s gathering pace.

Indeed, my 15 years as a clinical psychologist have convinced me that the shadow of Supermum has never loomed larger or been more destructive. our generation of mothers (I have two children aged eight and four) is more anxious than ever before about parenting.

I am seeing a spiralling number of women suffering from a variety of symptoms, from

depression through to panic attacks and obsessive compulsive disorder. And all because they are terrified they can’t live up to the perfect image of motherhood they have constructed in their heads.

Take Alice, a successful teacher with a gorgeous six-month- old daughter. Alice was referred to me by her GP with terrifying panic attacks — a manifestation of extreme anxiety. ‘I’m a failure. I’m a terrible mother,’ she told me.

Nothing could have been further from the truth. But, as we talked, it became clear that Alice’s sense of failure stemmed from her daughter’s arrival in the world. She had dreamt of a natural birth. But when labour didn’t progress, doctors recommended a Caesarean.

‘It’s my fault. I didn’t try hard enough,’ she told me.

Her failure to have the ‘perfect birth’ was seeping into every aspect of her life. Beset by fear and anxiety, which created the panic attacks, she was convinced she would never be the ‘perfect’ mother.

Over many weeks, I was able to help Alice move on and dismantle her damaging image of perfection.

I’ve heard time and again how traumatic many women find birth — how far the reality is from the polished image we’re too often told to expect. Natalie, a mum of two, said: ‘Being in labour felt like being murdered, yet no one tells you that’s how it can be.’

Months — even years — down the line, new mums still reel from the shock, describing their births as a ‘train wreck’, or ‘a horrific nightmare’. And many feel as if they’ve failed.

With the barrage of images of ‘perfect’ mums online, and information about how to become one, it’s almost impossible to escape the Supermum myths.

The influence of the internet also means there’s a welter of conflicting advice — mostly well-intentioned, often inaccurate and sometimes downright dangerous — available at any moment. This leaves women confused and worried precisely when they need support, reassurance and clarity the most.

The fear of not being perfect can make it even harder to seek support when you need it.

Jane, a mum of two, told me of the days just after her child’s birth: ‘I walked down the street with my screaming newborn, silently crying behind my sunglasses and wondering why every other mum looked like they were coping brilliantly.’

FOR today’s mothers, there’s a Supermum myth at every stage of parenthood — after the perfect birth, there’s the pressure to breastfeed effortlessly for up to a year, then, when children are school age, the school gate offers fertile ground for another round of competition and self-loathing, as women strive to present the best possible image of themselves.

Often, deeply buried feelings about your own school days may suddenly re-emerge.

‘I feel like a 14-year-old girl, desperate to fit in and for the other mums to like me,’ confesses mother-of-two Emma.

‘The perfect mums at school make me feel like rubbish,’ admits mum-of-two Debbie. ‘They all know each other and the teachers, and walk home together. I feel I’m not part of the gang.’

At the same time, there’s the pressure to be just as fun-loving and energetic as you were before having children — to hang on to your ‘old self’. A generation ago, this simply wasn’t expected of women in the same way. And biologically, it’s an incredibly tough standard to set yourself.

You are different — and you may even feel guilty for being upset about all you’ve lost.

Mum- of-three Tina told me sadly: ‘I know I am a different person. I used to go out all the time — now I hardly ever do. I used to be ambitious. Now I’m pleased if I leave the house wearing matching socks. I used to go to the cinema and the theatre and have lots to say about culture. Now my favourite topic is the best school. I’m dull.’

Of course, she wasn’t dull — she’d simply started behaving differently so she was better able to look after her children. That shouldn’t be cause to feel guilty or worthless, but modern life has turned it into simply another stick with which to beat ourselves. No wonder many mothers feel they can’t do anything right.

Which is why I so passionately believe we need to dismantle the toxic Supermum myths and allow women to escape their destructive shadow.

Learn to recognise them, to reject them — and ultimately, to laugh at how ridiculous it is to expect a mother’s tireless devotion and unfaltering love to conform to such a narrow pattern, which can only damage our self-esteem.

I see so many women who feel squashed and isolated because they’re not perfect. Shamed and guilty, they beat themselves up, convinced they are doing something wrong.

But it is possible to defeat the Supermum myths. Begin by questioning the negative effect

they are having on you and be honest about the way you actually want to live your life.

If you feel nervous or anxious at times, harness those feelings and make them work for you.

Olympic gold medallist Jessica Ennis-Hill visualises the sensation of nervous flutters in her stomach as a host of powerful butterflies pulling her towards the finishing line. If you feel overwhelmed by negativity, separate what’s real — and what’s just groundless worry — using a Thought Diary.

Whenever you have a negative thought, jot it down. Notice repeated patterns and any themes that emerge. These might include: ‘The other mums don’t like me’ or ‘I’m a terrible mother because I let my children watch TV rather than do homework.’ Once you’ve isolated negative thought patterns, you can start eradicating them.

Above all, be kinder to yourself. If you wouldn’t be this hard on a friend, why beat yourself up?

The Supermum Myth by Anya hayes and Dr Rachel Andrew is published by Crimson Publishing at £12.99.