BEL MOONEY
DEAR BEL
AFTER 25 years of marriage (and two daughters, aged 24 and 22) I thought I was bi-sexual, then later realised I was gay and met someone on a bisexual support forum. She and I both separated from our husbands and had the most incredible, long-distance relationship.
I came out to my daughters, parents, family and friends. They were mostly all very supportive. My husband was also understanding — for which I’m eternally grateful.
Two years ago, I left my marital home and my girlfriend and I saw each other weekly in my rented flat. Last New Year, we spent five days together — sharing so much love I knew we had to close the geographical gap between us.
So I managed to get a full-time position in her town and moved to a rented place there last March. We both knew it wasn’t right for us to live together, as she has two teenage children at home.
Now I’m at the lowest point. Her son, 13, struggled with me ‘landing’ in his life and his parents separating. Her ex has not made life easy and it has affected her children.
She felt more and more anxious, torn between them and me. Her daughter, 17, was jealous of me, joined our rows and was happy to see our relationship deteriorate.
In the autumn, my girlfriend and I booked a precious holiday, but she cancelled two weeks before. Leaving her kids was too stressful and her daughter couldn’t face being with her dad for a week. I was devastated.
In the end, she came for a few days, during which we decided to end the relationship. It was too difficult for her to manage.
Since then we’ve met up a few times. The love we share is such a pull, but I’m still living in an empty flat and often feel more alone than when we were living apart long-distance. I’m so sad. Her kids are pleased and her family also think she should move on.
But two days ago she asked to come and see me. We spent a secret night, free of them all and their judgments.
The love we share is incredible — but life isn’t about just us, is it? Her family needs her . . . so just how do we move forward? Is there any hope? We both feel stuck. The pain of being apart is almost unbearable, yet the stress of trying to be together is enormous.
At New Year I travelled home. My family knew little of these struggles, as I don’t want them worrying. I’m not ready to return with no job and no relationship — and they understand. I’m lucky. But I look back to this time last year with a sadness I can’t ease and don’t know what to do in future.