Biggest passion killer for men? Trying for a baby
IT’S not exactly what a woman looking to start a family would want to hear.
But there are few things more likely to put a man off the idea of sex than his partner trying to conceive, a study has found.
Trying for a baby is worse for men’s libido than depression, tiredness or even erectile dysfunction, it is claimed. The pressure of having to perform on demand, with the passion taken out of it, is thought to be to blame.
Italian researchers gave 298 men 13 in- depth questionnaires on their sex lives, relationship happiness and emotional state to determine the biggest passion-killers. While many studies exist on desire in women, the factors affecting men are more poorly researched.
The results show wanting to have a baby affects men’s desire for sex worse than being incompatible with their partner. It was in the top three sexual problems along with a lack of erotic thoughts and fear of poor performance.
The study’s lead author, Dr Filippo Nimbi from Sapienza University of Rome, said: ‘For years nobody has taken notice of male sexual desire.
‘ In general the male sexual response has been considered more simple than female desire. It is seen as mechanistic, with a man aroused and immediately ready to have sex.
‘ This research is important because, starting from the desire phase, we have shown that male sexual desire is not so easy to understand.’ Allan Pacey, professor of andrology at Sheffield University, has warned that men suffer from performance anxiety, or are just ‘turned off’, when women fixate on the exact time and date they want to have sex to boost their chances of conceiving.
The study found the stronger the desire for a baby, the lower men’s desire for sex. Together with a lack of erotic thoughts and fear of poor performance, it could make men 22 per cent less interested in a night of passion. Dr Nimbi said: ‘When having a baby becomes a choice for a couple, we have sex mainly for reproduction and not only for love or sexual satisfaction.
‘ So our motivation to have sex changes, and also the pleasure within the sexual behaviour, and consequently our sexual desire. Sexual intercourse is not as attractive and free as before, but has a new aim.
‘Moreover, if we have problems conceiving, sex becomes a frustration and desire falls to try to avoid this frustration.’
Many may think stress and depression would have a greater effect on men’s libido than trying to start a family. However Peter Saddington, a sex therapist and counsellor for Relate, said tiredness can be outweighed by the prospect of pleasure between the sheets, while the attention and intimacy of sex can actually help those struggling with depression.
He said: ‘Trying for a baby is one of the biggest causes of disruption within a relationship. It can feel like some of the fun and spontaneity is lost and both partners can experience performance anxiety.
‘It’s important to talk about how you can keep sex enjoyable and fun rather than something that has to be done on command because it’s the best time of the month. Taking the pressure off yourselves and spending time with each other before being sexual is much more likely to lead to a positive outcome.’
Low sexual self-confidence was another factor affecting male desire, the study found. Relationship problems, however, had no significant effect.