Bombshell discovery that’s left my heart in pieces

DEAR BEL,

MY WIFE and I met at 17. I pursued her and won her heart, loving her at first sight and ever since.

Twenty years ago last month she told me we were becoming more than friends.

Due to college and family circumstances we had a longdistance relationship for five years and she moved to my town after we got engaged.

We were married at 24. During that entire time we never had full sex and she told me constantly she would only do anything with a man she wanted to marry and that I was her one and only — always and for ever — and she wanted to be my wife.

Then, six weeks before we were due to get married, she told me that once while out of the country she kissed two boys out of curiosity. One of them got her drunk and slept with her.

She says she was almost comatose and not an active participant. We married and believe we are soulmates, have three children together and have had a wonderful life for 14 years.

However, we moved house six months ago, and while unpacking old boxes I saw a picture of her with one of the guys she kissed. This triggered a major reaction. Since then I’ve suffered from Post-

Retrospective jealousy is not uncommon, but i’ve never seen it described as post-infidelity stress Disorder. i’ve also just learnt two things i didn’t know about.

Here’s the first: ‘ Mind- Body Bridging [MBB] is a mindfulnessbased technique developed by stanley H. Block, MD, to improve mindful awareness.

‘in contrast to Mindfulness-Based stress reduction, MBB does not include meditation exercises. instead, it cultivates awareness skills to heighten recognition of various aspects of a dysfunctional Infidelity Stress Disorder: nightmares, anxiety, constant images.

She says that after that experience she was done with other boys and has always been faithful to me. I am in therapy and every time I do mind-body bridging, a mindfulness technique, it just brings out how much I love her. But somehow I still struggle to forgive her.

I have never kissed another girl nor felt the need to. I just want peace in my heart towards this amazing woman.

It seems (from therapy) that I had been keeping a part of my heart from her since finding out about the guys she kissed — and in this midlife relationship crisis (I’m 38) I recognise that.

Now, at last, I have given her my whole heart — even though it’s broken. I thought she would never hurt me, but she says I’m safe now.

However, my brain tells me that would only be true if she’d never cheated. I hope my heart wins and I can live my days in peace with this woman I love dearly.

I am beginning Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy ( EMDR), a powerful psychological treatment, next week to hopefully get control of this traumatic experience. Seeking your thoughts. JASON mind-body state — for example, ruminating thoughts . . . and impaired mental or physical functioning — and offers mind-body mapping exercises to further raise awareness of the sources of the disharmony.’

er, ok. And eMDr is, indeed, yet another form of psychotherapy which uses eye movements, relaxations and sounds to help heal acute psychological difficulties arising from trauma as well as ‘prolonged, low-grade distress that originates in shock or loss in adult life and/ or issues experienced during childhood’.

reading about it i reflect that the techniques seem to go over memories in an obsessive way that could make them worse. But i’m not an expert and am prepared to be shot down by

those who are — even if they have few qualifications.

Look, I know I sound cynical, but I don’t mean to be. It’s just that I feel bewildered because the world is full of therapies with competing methods of healing, so that those who want help (and maybe search on the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy’s directory itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists) might be left utterly confused.

On the site I mention, there are 30 therapies to choose from — so how do you know what you need? Might you start a course of EMDR, for example, and find it wrong for you?

You ask for my thoughts, so here goes. The wonderful wife you adore, the mother of your three children, made a mistake more than 14 years ago — and I wish with all my heart she’d kept quiet.

Obviously you blanked it out, went ahead with the marriage, and now (because of that photograph) you are finally allowing yourself to brood. Where is the mystery here? Where is the ‘trauma’ that needs so much therapy?

Just imagine what it would be like were something terrible to happen to one of your children (see today’s second letter), and ask yourself if that might deserve the name of ‘ trauma’. A young woman getting drunk and having sex once . . .? No, I’m sorry. It doesn’t register with me as a sin or crime — nor would it with the men I know.

Nobody is ever ‘ safe’ in this world. Not if we open ourselves as mature people to the various setbacks life will throw, which we can never predict.

We will suffer rejections, family quarrels, disappointment, ageing, ill health and the deaths of those we love. In order to cope, we must cultivate strength of mind and resilience of spirit.

Tell yourself your heart is not ‘broken’, it’s a tad bruised, that’s all. I think you should give therapy a rest, take some deep breaths, watch the news, and give thanks for the life you have.