I’m so hurt by my sisters’ snub

DEAR BEL, I HAVE two sisters, one of whom I’ve seen regularly over the years. The other sister never wanted to meet because she was living her life around her son.

Invitations I sent her to meet were rebuffed countless times so I chose to forget about her.

However, her son was killed at the age of 30 in a hit-and-run accident last October, and at that time I chose to forgive her and we’ve all met a few times.

I live 40 minutes away from my sister’s, but the other day they all met along with her daughter, and since then I’ve been so upset and hurt that I wasn’t invited to join them.

If I didn’t love my sisters so much, especially the one whose son was killed, I don’t think I’d care. How can I stop thinking about this and how do I stop feeling so jealous, hurt and upset? LORNA

JusT lately, many problems seem about the family, rather than romantic relationships or marriage, and I’m wondering why. It could be post-Christmas, of course, because that time of year arouses so many expectations.

But your problem goes so much deeper, and I wish I knew more. (used as I am to long emails, with your terse one I had to insert words to make it read easily.)

I’m not entirely clear which of your two sisters lives 40 minutes away and which one has the daughter, but no matter — we’ll plough on and try to reach the heart of the matter.

You tell a short, bleak tale in which you believe you are the injured party. Yet can I suggest that perhaps your relationship with ‘ other sister’ was never good?

You say she ‘rebuffed’ you, and yet I have to assume she was seeing the third sister during that time. (It’s confusing so I’ll use Os for ‘ other sister’ and Ts for the third one.) so I suspect you and Os fell out at some stage and the issue was never resolved and that’s where it all starts. When you say you love both sisters ‘so much’ and pick out Os ‘especially’ — I’m afraid it just doesn’t ring true.

something is wrong here — and an inability to face up to the truth is often at the root of family problems. You clearly think that you have always been in the right, because it’s impossible not to notice the way you express yourself (no words added here): ‘I chose to forget about her’ and ‘I chose to forgive her.’

Perhaps she did hurt you with her constant refusals — yet you did not ‘ forget’ her, so why pretend? You went on resenting her. As for ‘choosing’ to forgive somebody you allegedly love when the son who was the pivot of her life has met a sudden, horrible death . . . Well! I ask you to look carefully at your own words and consider the meaning they carry for other people.

Have you got it? Yes, you sound totally self-absorbed. This is not about you. I can see why you felt left out when you heard that Os and Ts had met together with your niece, but surely you can see they are entitled to continue with a relationship that went on for years without you in it?

Honestly, you have to understand that blunt truth if you are to have any chance of moving on, salving your own wounded feelings and establishing a good relationship with both your sisters.

It seems to me you must start by placing the bereavement at centre stage. Moving yourself far to one side, remind yourself you are only one player in this tragedy — and not an important one at that.

Instead of thinking about how left out you feel, focus hard on that young life cut short and think how his mother must have felt — and is still feeling.

she is the tragic figure who is now having to face the rest of her life without her son. she is the one who has been ‘upset and hurt’ beyond words.

All you can do is open your whole heart to that fact, forget about yourself, and let her know that you will always want to see her and listen to her talk about her beloved son, your nephew. Then wait.