Am I an old fool to dream of love?

DEAR BEL, I AM 65, semi-retired, but pretty fit and sporty.

Seven years ago I lost the best wife in the world to cancer and plumbed depths of misery that are difficult to describe.

But move forward to last year — and I have fallen for a much younger woman. I met her parents at a social club, went to their house and their only daughter (let’s call her Jean) was very warm and friendly.

She is 36 and very attractive in all ways. She is now working part-time with me and all the signals suggest she has grown genuinely fond of me.

So I confess that my heart is on fire and smoke has got into my eyes, clouding my judgment.

Although I realise I love the girl, I simply do not know how to proceed — if at all. My head is telling me to forget it and not to be a silly old fool, whereas my heart is telling me otherwise.

I am afraid that she might react badly and see me as some sort of pervert who has quietly been biding his time for the right moment.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am not after sex, but merely wish to replace the deeply loving relationship I had with my wife — and this woman makes me feel like that could be possible, irrespective of age.

Does this have a future — or is my head right when it tells me to ignore my foolish heart? ADRIAN

Oh yes, hearts can be very foolish, but who is to say that’s always wrong? Who dares suggest that our emotions are regulated by strict seasons, so that once late autumn arrives and winter is in the air, they should pull down the blinds and hibernate? It doesn’t work that way.

Once, many years ago, I met an elderly artist (very happily married, by the way) who sweetly confessed to me that he was always ‘falling in love’.

he didn’t mean he was having affairs, or even thinking of it: no, he was expressing an openness to feeling — to love and beauty — that would continue until the moment of his death.

Celebrating that life force, I will not join the ranks of those all too ready to joke about, or condemn, relationships with very large age gaps. I have known some blissfully happy marriages like that; one indeed where the husband was 40 years older.

Why shouldn’t a man in his 60s fall for a woman in her 30s? For that matter, why shouldn’t a woman born in 1946 marry a man born in 1963 — as I did?

Imagine if we all lost our birth certificates and could only be assessed on looks and joie de vivre. some young people are sensible and ‘ middle-aged’ while some oldsters are as merry as daffodils dancing in the breeze. some older people take care of themselves and look terrific, while the young don’t bother and let themselves go to seed. There are no rules.

Nevertheless, it is only common sense to counsel caution — especially in a relationship that’s relatively new and where there’s a perceived inequality, such as age or income.

you adored your wife and suffered greatly when she died, as do many widowers. some actively seek a new partner, but you did not: you met Jean by accident and have grown to value her personality and her company.

so far so good. But you could easily spoil things were you to make some declaration of affection, or pester her with flowers and/or gifts. In your uncut letter you told me one or two little things which have led you to think she is genuinely fond of you, and I see them that way, too. But I’d still be careful.

Why not proceed just as you are, enjoying the friendship for what it is? I’d hate you to get your hopes up and be disappointed, so I think you must wait and see where her ‘signals’ lead.