Is Lord Lucan in Kim Jong-un’s private pantry?

THE MISSING PEER’S MOST LIKELY HIDEOUTS

1. Crouching in Harvey Weinstein’s filing cabinet, under ‘F’ for Future Projects.

2. Attending the House of Lords for a wide-ranging speech by Lord Lamont on Britain’s glorious future after Brexit.

3. Being one of the 100 singing judges — six down and four along — on TV’s prime-time All Together Now talent competition.

4. Acting as meeter and greeter in a new ski-themed Vegan restaurant owned by Heather Mills McCartney somewhere on the South Coast.

5. Slotted behind the Philosophy, Politics and Economics volumes in Sarah, Duchess of York’s personal library 6. Perching eagerly beside Kevin Spacey’s agent’s phone. 7. Sitting under ‘L’ for Long-term Future in Damien Hirst’s filing cabinet.

8. Alongside the button marked Sotto Voce on Tom Jones’ recording console.

9. Manning the Positive Customer Feedback counter at Virgin Trains.

10. Sitting behind a desk in the Downing Street committee room called The Way Ahead After Brexit.

11. Standing stockstill next to The Earl and Countess of Wessex in Madame Tussauds in London.

12. Lying on the low-calorie shelf in Kim Jong-un’s pantry.

13. Making himself at home in Jeremy Clarkson’s bicycle shed.

14. Squatting inside the Ecuadorian Embassy, having made a cosy nook for himself in Julian Assange’s Personal Grooming cupboard.

15. Accompanying Iain Duncan Smith on his daily trips to Radio 4’s news and current affairs studios.

16. Crouching directly beneath Debrett’s Guide To Manners And Social Etiquette in Liam Gallagher’s library.

17. Hanging in the ‘D for Demure’ section of Katie Price’s wardrobe at her home in Sussex.

18. Acting as General Secretary to the Adam Werritty Appreciation Society.

19. Slotted between the Garage and Hip-Hop sections of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s record collection.

20. Adopting the lotus position in President Trump’s Transcendental Meditation Centre at The White House.

21. Broadcasting every weekday as Chris Moyles’ sidekick on a digital channel accessible to everyone with the appropriate aerial.

22. Performing for one night only at the Annual Reunion Of X Factor Winners at Venture Theatre, Ashby-de-la Zouch.

23. Saying ‘Your Call is Important to Us’ over and over again on the British Gas Customer Help Line.

24. In the ‘No Comment’ box on Ann Widdecombe’s desk.

25. Standing next to UKIP leader Henry Bolton as he makes his keynote speech to his remaining supporters. 26. Swapping anecdotes about the golden days of broadcasting with Robert Kilroy-Silk in the Costa del Sol. 27. Sharing an office with Theresa May’s Calmness and Relaxation coach. 28. Starring alongside Dustin Hoffman, Louis CK and James Franco in Woody Allen’s next movie. 29. Manning the reception desk at the Oscar Pistorius Supporters’ Centre.

30. Sitting in a bowl of kiwi fruit at the Formerly Fashionable Fruit convention.

31. Fronting the next big Recruitment Drive for The Presidents Club.

32. Leading the Black And White Minstrels Reunion Celebration at Blackpool Winter Gardens.

33. Fronting the singalong of loyal celebrity friends at Sir Philip Green’s next birthday party.

34. Acting as spokesman for Grant Shapps’s forthcoming campaign for leadership of the Conservative Party.

35. Taking on the role of principal Elocution Tutor to Johnny Rotten.

36. Acting as the greeter at the Carillion office party.

37. Sitting cross-legged behind the fresh fruit bowl on Shane MacGowan’s dining-room table.

38. Fronting an Anger Awareness course for the Dalai Lama.