Under the microscope

Novelist Jilly Cooper, 80, answers our health quiz

CAN YOU RUN UP THE STAIRS?

I CAN, but I don’t. I had a hip replacement two years ago and since then I am a little unsteady on my feet. I used to walk my dogs for up to two hours a day, and now it’s 20 minutes.

GET YOUR FIVE A DAY?

I EAT masses of fruit and vegetables every day and I love fish. I’m very good about eating well.

POP ANY PILLS?

OH YES — I rattle like a packet of Smarties. I take vitamins — including calcium, glucosamine for my bones and iron for energy. I take statins, blood pressure pills and eye drops for my glaucoma.

EVER DIETED?

YES. I think constantly about my weight. I’m 5 ft 5 in and vary between 8 st 7 lb and 9 st 4 lb. I am thin above the waist and not so thin below — it’s a Yorkshire figure to withstand the weather. Interestingly, my fat bits never get cold.

ANY VICES?

I DRINK much less than I used to. Once I start on champagne though, that’s it. I love it so much. Another vice is cheese. After supper I can’t resist sneaking into the larder for a slice.

EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?

OH NO, I’m much too wet. The thought of paying money to give oneself pain!

WORST INJURY?

I FELL off a horse showjumping when I was 14 and dislocated my arm. The doctors at the cottage hospital trapped a nerve when they put it back, paralysing my arm for two years. I was too scared to get on a horse again. I missed horses so much that I wrote my first bestseller, Riders.

IS SEX IMPORTANT?

TERRIBLY, especially in a marriage. If you want to have sex with someone you have to make up after a row. It’s the perfect way to reconcile. I still write sexy novels — but I’m a bit short of research nowadays.

EVER BEEN DEPRESSED?

MOSTLY before I was married because I used to despair of ever finding the great love of my life. And then I met Leo. I pray if I feel sad: ‘Please God, I’m very grateful for everything, but could you cheer me up a bit?’

HANGOVER CURE?

ALKA-SELTZER before bed and a Berocca the next morning.

WHAT KEEPS YOU AWAKE AT NIGHT?

I’M A terrible sleeper. I try not to take sleeping pills, they leave me feeling a bit stupid the next day.

BIGGEST PHOBIA?

I HATE ingratitude and I’m not keen on snakes.

LIKE TO LIVE FOR EVER?

NO, but I still have a lot to do. I’ve got to clear this house out, it is full of junk. Jilly’s latest bestseller — Mount! — is out now.