Get so damn picky about food

Step away from the sauce boat and prepare for despair. Mary Berry has stated what we know to be true: over the years, dinner parties have changed. Beyond all reason and measure.

It used to be so simple! You would serve three courses, plus optional cheeseboard, pour coffee into the best cups, trill ‘How fascinating, how kind, lovely to see you, oh, is that the time?’ and, hopefully, get everyone out of the door by midnight.

the only contact you had with guests beforehand was to issue the invitation — end of story. there was no need to have a consultation, or even a conversation, about the menu, as people politely ate what was put in front of them, even if it wasn’t quite to their taste.

Now, hosts have to brace themselves for a barrage of complicated instructions on exactly what foodstuffs their guests will and will not find acceptable.

they’ll also be told what latest food doctrine currently placates a guest’s leaky gut/immune system/ketogenic pathogens/insert as necessary. Which must be followed rigorously, right down to the last kale leaf.

‘the big difference today,’ said Mary Berry, talking about dinner parties in the Radio times this week, ‘is that we have to ask about allergies. that never used to happen. You just cooked whatever you wanted to. You have to respect that people need different meals now.’

the veteran cook is far too sweetly charitable to ever question the demands of her guests.

However, less kind minds among us can’t help but wonder how many of those pesky allergies and intolerances are genuinely serious, and how many of them are fondly imagined in the hope that the poor sufferer seems more interesting.

You say you can’t eat tomato seeds or sultanas or anything green? How incredible of you, darling. Have you ever thought of a career in Hollywood?

Well, hold it right there with the sarcasm for a moment. For yes, there are those who really do suffer from life-threatening food allergies, auto-immune disorders or diseases — coeliacs, for instance, literally cannot stomach wheat.

Many others suffer from grave conditions such as diabetes, Crohn’s and Lyme disease, where their survival and good health depends on a carefully monitored diet. Let

us not forget, too, patients recovering from chronic and acute illnesses who have complicated dietary needs. they all deserve sympathy, respect and support.

Who wouldn’t cater to their specific needs without making them feel awkward? In my experience, they are always the ones who make the least fuss anyway — and if there is something they can’t eat, they just quietly leave it on the side of their plate.

Far more enraging are faddists and diet cranks who refuse to eat dishes you may have spent hours cooking on the grounds of a recently acquired quasi-ailment or teenage mindset.

they can’t eat anything with a face! they won’t eat anything that was grown underground! Was cucumber harmed in the making of this salad? then they can’t eat that, either.

Yet, instead of being actual medical conditions, aren’t many of these professed intolerances merely lifestyle choices, or plain old pickiness dressed up as something more serious?

Statistics from the Food Standards Agency suggest this is the case. It estimates 1-2 per cent of the adult UK population (around two million) have medically confirmed food allergies, but a further 30 per cent have a self-diagnosed food allergy or intolerance.

that’s a lot of people wandering around freaking out at the sight of spaghetti, complaining about lactose intolerance or turning up at your annual ox barbecue after forgetting to mention that they don’t eat meat any more. And that

is annoying. Anyone can be a victim, if you try hard enough.

On a visit to the VivaMayr spa in Austria, I had tests that found I was highly allergic to vanilla, crab, pineapple and peanuts. I guessed this meant I wouldn’t be eating polynesian seafood salad.

However, two years later, I eat all these things without any ill-effect and never annoy hosts with a list of no-go snacks. except perhaps peanuts. I sometimes feel slightly breathless after eating them, so avoid them at all costs. Or am I imagining this reaction?

people never used to have food intolerances, just like they never used to have to hydrate with two litres of water every damned day to keep healthy. Once upon a time, we managed fine without evian and nut butters. In fact, we are a nation who went to war on not much more than powdered egg and tinned Spam.

But the new normal is a complicated checklist of banned ingredients and preparations that makes menu planning a nightmare for a diligent hostess.

that retro, Mary Berry-approved Seventies menu of prawn cocktail, steak and chips and Black Forest gateau is fun. But who would dare serve it today without prior warning and a sheaf of preauthorisation documents indemnifying the cook against any prawn or gravy-related trauma?

If you did, imagine the squeals of horror from the shellfish-phobic, the non-dairy eaters, the no-carbs crew, the vegans, the meat-haters, the gluten-free and those who gave up chocolate for Lent. Have I missed anyone out? Oh, yes, the cherry on the cake. Literally. Someone will no doubt be allergic to pollen, so can’t risk the gateau’s fresh cherry topping. Have you got non-waxed organic fruit instead? Sorry, not strawberries. they give me a rash.

If it is bad enough at home, it is worse in restaurants, where some belligerent customers drop even the pretence of politesse and demand their food needs are met — or else.

Chef Raymond Blanc has blasted the ‘ fashionable’ obsession with having a food intolerance. He says that at his flagship Michelinstarred restaurant Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons, in Oxfordshire, up to 50 customers a night claim to have food issues. He said: ‘We are a kitchen, not a hospital. Of course, now, if you don’t have an allergy, you’re nobody.’ Harsh, but true.

there seems to have been a conflation of what is merely fashionable and what is actually healthy.

Celebrity health gurus get rich by fostering a fear of sugar in devotees, while clean- eating regimes and paleo diets have a growing following. More people are observing the glycaemic index and swerving gluten now, too

At home, I don’t mind making an effort for visiting vegetarians and vegans, whose number seems to increase every year. A hostess with even a bit of mostess has to have an array of plant-based dishes in her repertoire and a gluten-free pudding option up her sleeve. BUt,

despite what Mary Berry says, do we really have to accommodate every desire of those who say they can only eat microgreens dusted with organic turmeric, and simply cannot digest anything fried?

that might seem rude, but what could be more bad-mannered than emailing over a list of permitted ingredients to your host? Nothing, frankly.

Far too many of those who are just on a diet try to turn something humdrum into a faux medical issue. If they simply admitted they were cutting back, they would get sympathy, but that would be admitting to vanity or weakness, which they would never do.

Few of us are as sainted as Mary, who would possibly serve chickpea water meringues — they really do exist — to egg-intolerant guests, if they needed them.

elsewhere, intolerance of food intolerance is — like a half-baked loaf of gluten-free goodness — on the rise. You have been warned.